


Beyond

by se_lai



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Earth, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mass Effect Spoilers, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance, Shooting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-04-05 22:44:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19049977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/se_lai/pseuds/se_lai
Summary: [ME3 Spoilers]After chosing to destroy all synthetic life, Shepard is having a bad time recovering from her wounds when an old enemy reappears to threat her. An inter-species relationship is one thing —going beyond cannot be tolerated, even to such a hero. Shepard is torn between her options while the crew gathers one more time to try to protect what they almost lost: a friend.





	1. Chapter 1

She moves.  
She moves, ever so slowly. It is frustrating. It is frustrating as hell. Despite how much she loved it, she thought she had grown so tired of the battlefields she’d never miss them again. Turns out she was wrong, of course. She misses jumping, using her biotics, shooting, running in the rush of everything going wrong and still saving the day.  
It’s not like she wants to go back. She just wishes she could.  
It takes her an awfully long moment to feel the gaze upon her. Her senses are still muddled, maybe for forever. It doesn’t matter, Garrus is patient. And he loves watching her in silence, amazed. She _moves_. Isn’t it absolutely wonderful? She moves. After dying once and a half, his heart skips a beat at the thought, which is still quite recurring. She still moves. They are terribly lucky.  
—Lil.  
She turns around to meet him. Well, there he was, decided to tell her right away. But he just can’t. He meets those dark, warmest eyes and his resolve fades.  
He must tell her soon.  
He hates keeping secrets from her, but she looks so in peace here. He doesn’t want to lose that.  
It doesn’t matter. It’s not his choice.  
Her face lightens when she sees him.  
—Hi.  
Without another word, he walks to her. He rests his hand in her waist and gets lost in her gaze for a second before lowering his head to kiss her slips, ever so slowly.  
—What is it? —she whispers, worried. Of course she’s noticed. She’s weak, but she’s still there and she is sharp as hell, Garrus is well aware of the fact.  
—Nothing. I’m just... so surprised to still be able to hold you.  
She sighs and lets her head rest on his chest. Yes, he has to tell her, just... some other time, some time less precious than this.

* * *

 

Shepard’s room in the hospital has some advantages. Some mountains can be seen in close distance, it’s high enough to make you feel safe and, above all, you can’t see the entrance, no matter how big the crowd in its gates is. Now, it’s awfully big.  
The hospital is doing its best to keep her hidden, and the media haven’t been able to figure her location out. But, well, a turian with half face full of scars who is hooking with the most beloved hero of the galaxy is noticeable. It was a matter of time before someone recognized him. It just angers him that it had been so little time.  
The crowd bursts at the sight of him. It’s not too big, not yet, but his presence is only confirming the rumours. Tomorrow, it will be a lot worse. Garrus tries to bite his rage when some journalist, who is certainly not used to reading turians’ angry expressions, gets in his way speaking some rubbish.  
Garrus stands, glaring at him, making sure his jaws and teeth are noticeable for the tiny, soft, delicate human in his way.  
He’s asking questions. He is actually _asking_ him, all nice. Garrus is at a loss of words. How can he pretend not to notice how much it angers him that, after all they went through, there still is no peace for them? They deserve better. This is no fair reward for Shepard. Garrus tries his best not to tear his head off.  
—Move away.  
The journalist finally loses his temple. It makes him nervous, the ironclad predatory dinosaur standing in front him. Nice.  
—Or else?  
Garrus rises his claws in a fake coincidence. His blue eyes don’t flinch.  
—Or else I’m shooting your eyes out and making you swallow them before you have time to die of agony, and believe me, it can be done in time if you’re skilled enough. Willing to find out if I am?  
Finally, this takes him aback. The man steps back a little. The looks of a pray who just noticed he’s in front if a predator glimmers in his eyes.  
—I don’t care if you’re a hero, Vakarian. You can’t threaten innocent people.  
—Innocent people don’t harass weak people for the sake of their morbid audience. Sue me if you like. Just don’t ever come back any near me. —he bits his tongue not to mention Shepard, not to give him any clue. He circles the man and gets into the hospital.  
He already knows the corridors so well. He had never spent so much time in a hospital. He had never seen the reason. He comes from a soldier family. They like little attention ina hospital, they don’t like anyone near to remind them they dodn’t dodge properly. Garrus was used to that. Until seeing Shepard became a luxury, not something granted. After thinking he had lost her for days... He just can’t take his eyes off her, in marvel and fear he’d lost her again.  
Her room is empty. She must be with the other patients in the entertainment room, the mountains look bigger there. Garrus walks in that direction.  
There she is. She is talking to someone. Garrus watches the situation from the entrance. She doesn’t like talking to someone there in fear theyćd recognize her and all her peace will shatter. She is right, he thinks, but she needs the distraction. She looks even shy speaking with that woman.  
Garrus averts his gaze not to be rude and looks at the mountains instead. They’re huge, green titans. Mountains are not green in Palaven. The vegetation capable of surviving so much radiation has no brilliant color, it’s not soft as the leaves here. The first time he came to pay her a visit, he was permanently shocked. This planet was awfully green. It still is, somehow, even after the Reapers almost vanquished it. It’s still soft, tender, surprisingly beautiful and resistant. He never thought he’d grown fond of it, and yet... All of a sudden, Garrus wonders who he is describing.  
Shepard finally sees him. She says goodbye to that person and walks to him. Before saying anything, she stands on her tiptoes to kiss his chin, the only thing she can reach without his cooperation.  
—Lil. Are you sure you want to do this? —he whispers. She embraces him as an answer. —There can be survivors of the First War Contact here, people who lost people. I don’t want to...  
She looks him in the eye with that warmest gaze she uses around him. It melts him. It melted him since before he openly dared to think about them, like, together. When she kisses his chin again, he’s lost.  
—We didn’t go through all that to have to hide now. —she answers quietly.  
—I just don’t want to rise any tension.  
—Stop worrying.  
He can’t take anymore the woman he’s so in love with embracing him alone while _he_ is the one who is still terrified of losing her, so he hugs her as tight as he dares with all the wounds she still has. He hates the hospital and the confinement almost as bad as she does, but the quiet, the intimacy he protects so fiercely... He is getting used to all that.

* * *

 

The tiny noise wakes him up. Garrus is not usually so sensitive to noises, but, well, being always scared as hell sharpens the senses, and that definitely was someone walking hesitantly in front of the door to the room. Nurses don’t hesitate.  
Garrus leaves the bedside and the comfy chair he refuses to leave to sleep and stands behind the door. Waits, his whole body bristling.  
The door opens. He kicks the air where the attacker arms must be and hits the spot. He catches their arm, pushes it to the floor. Without an answer, a distant buzz warns him too late.  
The person burst into a blue field he barely dodges. It still crushes him, takes out his breath as the attacker stands again in the darkness and Garrus readies his claws.  
There are only two humans in this world capable of releasing such a power in the blink of an eye without a pant and one of them would already be cursing aloud since the very moment she came through the door.  
—Miranda?  
The attacker lowers the blue glimmering of their hands.  
—Garrus —she whispers. That’s her voice. She sighs in relief. —I thought it was late.  
—Late for what? —he replies, stunned. Miranda turns off her biotics to talk properly.  
All of a sudden, something blue burst from behind him.  
The sphere crushes against the biotic wall Miranda put up frantically. She pants, but it’s not just her who is panting. Garrus turns around and his eyes meet Shepard’s.  
—Lil, it’s okay, it’s Miranda! —he whispers, trying to reassure the enraged look in those eyes he loves so much.  
She pants bad. All her implants hurt; they hinder her recovery since their technology is not reliable after the Crucible. She hugs herself, trying to ease the pain. Garrus sits down next to her and embraces her as he’s happily getting used to do.  
—Everything alright? —she mutters. Garrus holds her tighter.  
—Yes, don’t worry.  
It doesn’t take long before she falls asleep, exhausted. Everything exhausts her lately. She’s under medication to sleep, at least for now, when the nightmares make it impossible to sleep peacefully and she needs it so bad. There’s no surprise that she can’t stay awake.  
And, besides the pain and the sloppiness, she woke to protect him. Garrus doesn’t know if he hates it or loves it more.  
Miranda is staring at them, hesitantly. She seems torn between what she wants to do and what she must do.  
—Miranda. —Garrus calls, not as soft as he should. —What.  
—Sorry. Let’s talk outside. —without another word, she leaves. Good for her. Garrus can’t leave her so easily. He manages somehow and goes to the corridor.  
Miranda leads him to the patients room and, for a moment, the sight is so familiar he loses his breath.  
The team is entirely there, or what reminds of it. Only Joker is not there; Jack, Kaidan, Liara, Tali, Jacob, James and Samara stand there, and for a second no one speaks.  
Tali steps up and hugs him. Garrus returns the hug feeling warm at the touch of a close friend, but he has noticed the armours they all wear. It’s not a good sign.  
—What’s going on? —he asks. All gazes turn to Miranda.  
She stands there with her charisma leading the situation, but she’s not calm. She’s sincerely worried.  
—We don’t have much time, Garrus. We have to take her out of here.  
—You can’t be serious.  
Suddenly they all remain silent. Garrus recognizes the look easily, someone is speaking through their radios. Two seconds; after that, the message makes them react. They all stand and take off their weapons. Garrus watches, helpless.  
—Miranda —starts Samara. —White armour, organized, claiming to be in the right side...  
—I know. —she takes a gun off too. —Those are Cerberus people.  
—You got to be kidding me. —Garrus hears himself say in disbelief.  
Jack is the first to reach the exit he’s almost blocking, where she takes a moment to push him.  
—Shut it and go get her!  
Garrus follows her order. He walks fast to the room, opens the door and closes it behind him. And then, standing, hesitating, he understands what Miranda was trying to decide. Shepard is still asleep. She looks exhausted, she is thin, pale, weak and she looks comfy there, just not as much as she did in his arms. Nothing hurts there. Miranda didn’t want to take that away. Not that she seemed to have any choice.  
He tries his best to wake her up softly. She opens her eyes, dazed.  
—Garrus? Is everything alright?  
—Yes. We have to go. Can you walk?  
She nods, but she moves desperately slowly, so he helps her get dressed. After that, she stands, but she doesn’t dare to take the first step, Garrus can see it in her confused eyes. So, he simply takes her in his arms and walks out of the room.  
Liara is waiting for him in the corridor. For a moment, she just stares at Shepard. It’s the second time they see her because visits have been restrained; only Garrus is allowed without special permission under the promise that he’ll stop her from escaping. The first time they saw her, it seemed impossible for her to hold on five minutes longer. She had already resisted the end of the war, the disappearance of the Reapers, the destruction of the top technology, the collapse of the Crucible and, by the time they found her, she looked like she had had enough and five more minutes were too much to ask of her. Garrus doesn’t want to think about those hours where no doctor dared to say if she had any chance. After two weeks now, it’s still shocking to see how she looks, how she moves, always in pain somewhere. She’s improving, she’ll be alright, but the path looks so unfair now.  
—I’m sorry, Garrus. —Liara whispers, and Garrus is unsure whether she said for disturbing them, even if it was not her fault, or for staring like that. —This way.  
She leads them in silence for a while, but Liara’s curiosity is always stronger than her.  
—How is she doing?  
She knows that, because Garrus has told her, because even if they cannot visit her they are sick worried. He smiles faintly. Seeing Liara nervous because she acts terribly when it comes to her friends is fun.  
—As good as when we talked this morning.  
She laughs briefly. She then shakes her head while she leads them through corridors that doesn’t lead to the entrance.  
After another gaze at Shepard, Liara sighs.  
—I wasn’t hiding it.  
—Hiding what?  
—This. Miranda never told us.  
—Tell you what, Liara?  
As if she had just realized how little Garrus knows, she smiles awkwardly.  
—Wait until we’re back.  
Garrus avoids asking “back where” because he has the feeling he already knows the kind of vague answer he’ll get.  
They go to the ambulance entrance. The whole team is gathered there, with the sole exception of Miranda.  
Jacob opens the gates to the transport and Garrus steps inside. They all go in and the shuttle leaves.  
—Wait, what about Miranda?  
—She said she’d handle it. Somehow. —Tali comes closer to Shepard. —How...?  
Suddenly, they all remember what they just did. They kidnapped a delicate patient who is still asleep in his arms. Garrus has to fight the urge to hide her better.  
—She’s fine. More or less. Don’t give her that look or she’d kick your asses.  
—Can’t wait to have her back kicking asses, actually. —Jacob smirks and keeps driving the shuttle. —We’re almost there.  
—Almost where?  
Tali laughs and points to the front with her head.  
—Almost back.  
Here he was, almost thinking about retirement, and then all it takes to make him feel back home is the sight of his ship waiting for them all.  
The Normandy opens the gate and Jacob rushes in. The land is rough, especially because it takes the ship barely two seconds to land off and immerse in the sky.  
The sky. It makes him feel almost dizzy. Then a powerful voice cuts in.  
—Where is my damn patient?  
—Don’t call her that! —protests Jacob. As if she were deaf to him, Chakwas walks in straight to Shepard.  
Her determination dies. It _is_ impressive to see her reduced to that.  
—Take her to the med cabin, Garrus, please. We’ll see how she’s doing.  
—So no one is going to tell me what the hell is going on?  
—She comes first. Come on. —gently, Chakwas pushes him to the med bay.

  
~


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Cerberus has quite an unbelievable reason to be chasing the team.

It doesn’t take long for Chakwas to evict him. She promises she has everything needed to take her of her recovery, adds that she’ll wake up in the morning when the sleep drugs have faded and forces him to leave for now.

Miranda is already waiting for him outside the med bay. She looks tired and worried, but her façade is back at the sight of him.

—How is she?

—She’s fine. —Garrus shakes his head. If he has left her without complaining it was just for the chance of some explanation. —Miranda, start talking already.

—Come here. —she leads him somewhere further. She doesn’t want Shepard to hear, that’s clear, that’s what’s worrying Garrus.

At least until she turns around and starts speaking really fast.

—Okay, first of all, I’m sorry, I never thought I’d be the one to tell you this, but it’s the reason why Cerberus is after her again. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but anyway, it happened, so you better start thinking fast because we don’t have much time.

She stops to catch breath and then realizes she hasn’t actually _said_ anything, so she looks in the bay’s direction and says suddenly:

—Shepard’s pregnant.

—From you, Garrus —adds Chakwas’ voice out of nowhere, fast, as if she were the only one to properly understand what Miranda seemed to be suggesting.

Garrus just stands there, looking at both of them in disbelief. If the tenacious denial of contradiction of physics laws can be called disbelief at all.

—That is not funny.

Miranda snorts.

—I just run as hell to get you out of the trap Cerberus was setting from two systems away because I just heard the news about their... discovery. No, it is not.

It would be the first time Miranda jokes like that and Garrus doesn’t know if he prefers she _is_ joking or not. He just stares at them.

Then the reality starts to carve its way to his shocked brain.

—It can’t be. My biology is toxic to her! How can she...! —he starts, yelling. The sympathetic smile of Chakwas makes him fall silent again.

She sure is _not_ joking.

—Several parts of her body were removed or reinforced with the implants that are now barely holding up, after what she did with the Crucible. As I’m sure you know now, because I’m well aware of Mordin’s warning to you two and, if you risked intoxicating each other with your fluids, you already knew that made her immune.

Garrus stands up. He doesn’t know what to do, blushing, hiding or laughing don’t seem the best choices. Speechless. Suddenly, Liara’s pragmatism, Tali’s naïveté appear onhis mind. He had missed them. Maybe creating a gossip about something he hasn’t processed yet is not the most wise option, but Shepard is unconscious. He can’t stand the sudden weight of the world by his own.

—Let’s talk to the others.

—Are you su–

Garrus stands for another second and, without another word, heads to the meeting room. Everyone is already there, waiting for any news about what’s taken them all there.

Garrus sits without a word and Miranda starts her explanation.

—I’m sorry to have gathered you all, but Shepard needs our protection now more than ever. Cerberus won’t stop until they get to her.

They already saw it, but hearing the confirmation makes them all lose their speeches. Cerberus. Once more.

—Oh, come on! —curses Jack.

—What!? She killed the Illusive Man in the Citadel. —Jacob kicks the iron base of the couch. —What the hell?

—Someone has taken the command. I don’t know who, I just know some old friends warned me about Cerberus, told me they had found her location and wanted her more than ever, so I called you all and we rushed to the rescue.

—What does she have now that makes them so interested? —grunts Jacob. With that, Miranda looks at Chakwas, who says bluntly:

—She’s pregnant.

All gazes turn to Garrus, who is himself too stunned to find something to say. Jack is, as usual, the fastest one to speak.

—...She’s WHAT–

A look at Garrus makes it obvious. No, it’s not joke, yes, he _is_ the father, no, he doesn’t know how it happened either. Jack starts laughing.

—Okay, y’all going to tell us what’s going on here or what? —spits Kaidan, anxious.

—Spare us the details. —asks Samara. Jack turns to her agape.

—No, do _not!_

Chakwas takes the lead.

—When Cerberus brought her back to life, there were parts of her body too damaged to be restored. She has several implants, as you all know. Well, the reproductive organs were replaced as well.

—This is starting to disgust even me —Jack spouts, looking way more bemused than what she admits.

Tali just can’t stop moving, like a tiny dog at the sight of a new prize.

—Of course! They are mechanic parts. They are not sensitive to dextro–amino acids of turians or quarians. Shepard’s ovules were synthetic as well...

—Alright! —Kaidan jumped to his feet, blushing? —Enough detail here.

Liara stared at him with a critic glare.

—Kaidan, you know Shepard is female at least, don’t you!

—Don’t... say it like that!

Liara dares to ask to the bemused doctor by her side.

—Ovules, maybe, but what about her blood?

—The implants must have managed to filter it. Somehow. —she laughs. —How should I know?

The part of the crew that is not human is suddenly happy not to understand the terms.

—So. —Jacob stands up, stands there for a moment and then sits again. —A human with a turian baby. Is this it?

—Don’t you see? This is a first for the galaxy! Inter–species reproduction! —Liara is mad of joy. —This is...!

—No.

Garrus voice trembles. He clears his throat before speaking again. He wants to look calm, at least.

—This is no news because no one must know about it. Shepard’s been through enough shit. I won’t let this affect her.

—It will, Garrus. —points out Liara, softly. Garrus looks at Chakwas and she can read his thoughts. She nods.

—She still has time to stop it.

—Wait, wait. —Liara stares at them for a second, but she can’t decide which one she should convince first. —This is not just her, this is a scientific discovery.

—Watch your words, Liara. —Garrus sounds harsh, good for him. She shakes her head.

—Doctor Chakwas, you’re a scientist. Don’t tell me you don’t want to see this.

—Oh, believe me, I would love it —Chakwas smiles without joy. —But Shepard is my friend. I don’t want to lose her or to make her suffer. And the odds are that’s what will happen given her current condition.

—This is why Cerberus is chasing her again! —Garrus stands up in rage. For a second, he looks like he’s about to destroy something, but he just stands there, staring at Liara. —She earned the right to look for herself first rather than for the galaxy for once, don’t you think?

—I do not say to force anything on her. —Liara defends, crossing her arms over her chest. —For instance, she wanted to have a family.

—I don’t know if she wants in a galaxy that has taken such a heavy toll on her.

—Shepard is Shepard.

Garrus thinks about the journalist. God, the thrilling need of killing him, to take him out of existence, to vanquish a mere nuisance. Shepard wouldn’t had been the only one to have changed.

—It is no more than a tiny cell. Don’t be so excited. It is her call, anyway. —points out Chakwas, not liking a bit the spark in Garrus’ eyes.

That makes him react, but not in the good way she expected. If he were human, he’d be biting his lip, Chakwas is sure.

She rests a hand on his arm because she can’t reach his shoulder.

—She has to know, Garrus. —she whispers so no one else hears it. He sighs sadly.

—I know. I just...

Garrus voice fades and she stretches his arm a little tighter.

—Go to sleep, Garrus. This doesn’t have to be decided tonight.

* * *

She wakes up the following morning.

When Garrus opens his eyes, she is already leaving the bed. She can’t stay still, he knows that well. She is dressed up and is looking around in disbelief.

—Lil —he calls softly. She smiles, but doesn’t turn to meet his eyes.

—Am I dreaming, Garrus?

That’s all she’s worried about: that she’s dreaming because being back to _her_ ship, out of the hospital bed, is too good to be true. Garrus laughs reluctantly. What else is he supposed to do with such a person?

—No, I fear not. But your wounds are not healed yet, just in case being here makes you forget.

—It keeps hurting to remind me, don’t worry —she says.

Garrus is still sleepy when the soft arms touching his body surprise him. He turns and lits her to put her back to his side.

—Well? Are you going to tell me how is it that I’m not dead or dreaming, yet I’m still here? —she says amused. Garrus snorts.

—How can you know you’re not dead?

—Because we’re not at the bar. And you’re here. I’m not letting you die with me. —she is resting over his bare chest and watching her like that, so normal, so relaxed, almost makes his tears flow. To think Cerberus and Shepard come from the same species.

—Well, I’m not letting you die without me either —he replies quickly. —There’s no Shepard without Vakarian. I meant it.

She laughs softly before kissing his mouth as slowly as only she knows.

—So. We’re not dead, I’m not dreaming, or so you say, yet I’m no longer tied to the hospital room. See? —she points to the window, where stars stay still, watching over them.

—If you’re complaining, I can take you back to your beloved mountains whenever you wish.

—Try to make me —she answers bluntly. —Garrus. Speak up.

He clears his throat. He wants to explain without terrifying or disgusting her. God, this is proving difficult.

—Well. I’d like to introduce the subject as we do with kids, but I fear human children may be educated very differently from turians, so I’m not taking any risks. —she raises her eyebrow, amused. —The thing is. You know, when we started... studying each other’s flexibility?

—Yes...?

—And Mordin warned us about our mutual fluids being toxic?

Shepard spouts the water she just drank to the bed to be free to laugh aloud.

—Garrus, if you ever remind me that, I’ll throw myself to space.

—Oh, believe me, I don’t want either, but... But. Remember when, much later, he explained us about your implants, and our... compatibilty?

She loves to see him blushing, or behaving as he blushed, so she’s really enjoying the show now.

—Yes.

—Well, they were more compatible than we expected, you know, and... and they used your DNA to replicate a turian’s...

God. Garrus himself is unsure whether he’s explaining reproduction basics or anaphylactic shock.

Luckily, she knows him well enough. She raises her head a little, not daring to move from him.

—Are you implying I have some technological, turian–like womb?

—Well. Something like that. —he smiles despite himself, but then focus again. He has to say it. —And, when a male turian, um... studies the flexibility of a turian womb without...

There it is. The precise instant where she _finally_ understands. She moves away the minimum to be able to look him in the eye with some gravity.

—Am I... getting it right?

—I fear so, yes.

—Garrus, you’re trying to say I’m pregnant from _you_?

The phrase sounds harder than he expected. Speechless, he nods.

She sits in the bed, agape. Well, if the Crucible didn’t break her, this might do. After all, basic chemistry is now erased.

—How...? How long?

—Oh. Uh, Chakwas believes three weeks.

She shakes her head.

—It is too soon to be sure about it.

—The analysis is right, Lil. It’s just... the first time ever.

“Just”. He wants to laugh _so_ bad. At least looks like she’s holding together better than he is.

—This is why we run out of the hospital in the middle of the night?

—Because Cerberus knows. We don’t know how. Only Chakwas was aware after seeing the tests they did in the hospital. When Miranda knew Cerberus had spotted you, she contacted her and warned her about the threat, and Chakwas told her.

Shep looks at him with her head tilted, like if she couldn’t choose where to start.

—This is what you were hiding from me?

—Do you think I could hide something like this? I was trying to find a moment to tell you we had to change hospital because the media had found you. How could I know this?

She just sits there, looks like it’s her turn to be speechless. Garrus holds her hand shyly and she stretches it tight.

—Turian pregnancies last eight months, so there is still time to stop it.

—Abortion, you mean? —she says distracted, but then raises her head. —Wait. You say it can be done? No, not the abortion. The... baby turian, carried by a human. It can be done? Won’t I intoxicate it? Or it to me? There’s nothing personal, but I don’t want my hands turning into three fingered claws.

—Too late for you, I fear. —he laughs softly. —Looks like Cerberus’ implants are working fine. For now, you’re fine. Wait. Wait, Lil... You want to have it?

It strikes him. He hadn’t considered it. Shepard does not avert her gaze from him, relaxed. It’s not that he had expected her to get dramatic... Well, maybe a little, who wouldn’t? Loving an alien is one thing. Carrying one _inside_ you for surprise is quite different.

—It could hurt you. Well, it will, you’d have to go through a Cesarean incision in the seventh month, whatever that is, Chakwas didn’t describe it as pleasant.

—Downsides. —she shakes her head a minimum, not bothered at all. —I can take it. What do _you_ think?

Just like their first time together, when she was calm and confident while he could barely breath and put two stupid words together at the same time. Sometimes it still amazes him how easily she can make others take a deep breath and simply solve anything.

That thing inside her is putting her in danger again. Garrus clenches to that idea.

—I don’t want to risk you for anything, Lil. Not after all this. You come first. This puts you at risk.

—You researched. —she replies softly.

—No, I didn’t, doctor Chakwas explained.

She smiles briefly.

—You listened.

—For a moment, I feared you were stubborn enough to agree to go on with this.

—Just for a moment.

—Just for a moment. I thought it would be too much to ask.

Garrus blinks for a moment. Yes, he just heard himself as well. Shepard bursts into laughter.

—When will you admit you can’t fool me, Vakarian.

—I’m not joking, Shep– Lil. —he moves to sit up. He’s closer now. —When I chose to stay with you, when I fell in love with you, I knew there would be issues. Reproduction was the lesser of them. I don’t mind at all.

—This is not about not minding, Garrus, this is a chance.

And to his own surprise he finds himself fond of the idea. This is not a threat on itself, Shepard is right. This... this could be much more.

—Don’t rush, Lil. Is this what we really want? We are not desperate. It will take longer for your body to recover if you go on. Take your time.

—I understand, Garrus, but this is not my choice alone.

They stare at each other. Well, for having just discovered they were about to be parents in the most unlikely way, they’re taking it well. Shepard smiles again in disbelief and Garrus holds her to kiss her better. Maybe it’s too much to throw her back to the Normandy and discover her pregnancy. But then Garrus finds her staring at him with that look in her eyes, like being there just capable of staring at him was good enough, and he melts a little more.

—We’ll make a decision. Just for you to know, I’m not staying home with two dogs while you go on living adventures.

—Do I want to know what a dog is? —he mutters. —The concept keeps eluding me.

—Well, maybe I’ll think about the dogs, some species live well in a spaceship. —Garrus chuckles and she is more or less serious again. —Even if we do it, Garrus, I won’t be the typical mother. I don’t want that. I won’t be retiring. I certainly won’t be stopping the next Reaper invasion, but I’m not retiring to tour around the galaxy giving press conferences.

—I thought you didn’t know what to do.

It’s true. She hasn’t stopped thinking about it in this two weeks, specially when she wasn’t allowed out of bed. Her eyes take a look around.

—I didn’t. Until you put me back here.

Garrus closes his eyes, wishing for the moment of calm to have lasted while longer. Shepard finally leaves her place on top of him and rolls to his bedside.

—Why am I torn between the desire to tell you “you got to be kidding me” and “of course you aren’t retiring”? —Garrus sighs deeply and she chuckles. God, she chuckles. Garrus smirks. —Come on, think about it. Retirement. Good payment, no more Joker’s jokes, no more hostile planets, no more reapers, no more death. A good house, some of those _doughs_...

—Dogs!

—Laying in bed until late with no gloomy commander shaking us off bed to go crash the Mako somewhere...

—You wish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been putting off this update because I'm still quite unsure about this plot twist. Is it too much? Is it NOT? I can't decide, but anyway, this is how the story was conceived, so let's see where it takes us ;_; I compensate with some cuddles ~
> 
> Also I've been [updating some of my DA:I fics, check them if you like](https://archiveofourown.org/users/se_lai/works/)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's about time to say hi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is a bit slow, but it has some perks.

Chakwas tries to keep her confined to the medical bay, but after two weeks in a hospital room, there’s simply no way she’d stay there when her whole ship is there for her. That morning, she goes out.

Garrus casually forgot to mention who was in the ship besides Miranda. As a result, Shepard walks to the meeting room to greet her. She is the first one she spots, so she walks in with a smile that dies on her lips.

Everyone. They’re all there. All that’s left of her team stands there, touched, and the absent ones hurt more while the rest stands before her as if nothing had happened. She starts to greet all of them.

All but one, the one that comes through the door unnoticed until his own voice betrays him.

—Whoa, Commander, now that you’re the most heroic hero on the galaxy you should start eating hospital’s food.

She turns around. Her eyes meet his, but she is unable to move and he stops advancing as well.

—One more week without someone threatening your life and you’d consume entirely. —he adds.

At that point, his eyes are so full of tears he doesn’t even see his own crutches. Not like he minds. He clears his eye as he speaks.

—It’s not so bad after the fifth meal. Believe me, I have experience.

—Joker —she mutters, barely audible. She tries to step towards him, but her feet betray her. Garrus saves her from falling to the floor, to her knees. That sloppiness angers her.

—Fuck the fucking pills! I just want to...

She looks at him. The rage fades.

The last time they saw him was when Shepard first woke up. Joker was there, obviously torn between the joy of seeing Shepard survive and the rage of having lost EDI. Shepard remembers little from that time, but she cannot forget that part.

—Joker —she insists, which makes him cry even more. Despite that, he doesn’t avert his gaze. —I’m sorry. I swear I’m so sorry.

—You already told me. —he says.

She requests Garrus with a gesture to leave her, so she just lies on the floor, crying.

—I don’t remember —she notes. Joker snorts as he takes another step towards her.

—You did.

He kneels down and there they finally hug, like the close friends they’ve been from the very beginning.

—You did. When we found you. We find you with half of your bleeding body broken and all you think about is telling me you’re sorry. You’re stupid, Commander.

—We all agree on that, then? —points Samara. Shepard tries to serenate.

—I thought you all had finally gotten some lives out here.

—Don’t remind me. —Tali sighs heavily. —I had forgotten what the fleet was like. I haven’t missed it as much as I thought. What was your point?

Shepard takes a moment to look at all of them.

—Jacob, you were just about to have a kid, and Jack, you have a bunch of kids waiting for you. I could go on and on enumeraing the reasons why you shouldn’t be here.

—We all have lives. —Kaidan speaks softly. —Helping the friend that made them possible does not mean giving up on them.

Shepard stares at him almost desperate, is it so hard to understand? She has asked enough of them.

—I mean it. I’ve dragged you through the galaxy long enough. I can handle this myself.

Jack approaches her with a smirk and lends her a hand.

—Come on, get up already. Why don’t you stop being a pain in the ass and welcome us?

Once the greetings are clear, they sit down, just like the old times. Shepard lies against the wall because her legs still don’t look like standing her weight, whatever low it is.

—Well, we did what we had to do to take you out there, but the thing is it was a mere delay. —points James.

Joker snorts.

—And the Normandy shines like a beacon wherever it goes. Some days ago I read how many replicas have been sold and I almost cried at the thought of not receiving even a 1% of the benefits.

—You’ll get over it. —Shepard smirks and, with that, all of them feel suddenly back home. For real this time. —So? Do I have to fear the Council will appear and try to take my ship off me once more?

—You’re still a Spectre. And they’ll probably be too busy dealing with the damages on the Citadel to think about you for once. —Garrus snorts, as if the thought of the Council being too busy to bother them was a pleasant thought somehow. —We shouldn’t have to worry about them.

—I take your word. So. We have to identify who is after the attack. In other words, who leads Cerberus now.

Liara tilts her head, not taking her eyes off the computer she’s been with since they fled.

—I’ve been working on that. No results so far. It’s not like the net connections are in their best moment.

—Well, while we rebuild the ruins we barely saved from the reapers we have to act. —Shepard notes. Miranda raises her hands.

—Don’t look at me. I was surprised my old friends warned me about the threat at all.

—I don’t have a clue either. —Jacob shrugs. —The Illusive Man _was_ Cerberus.

—Or so he wanted us to believe.

—Well, or so he did.

—How many chances are that you… didn’t really kill him? —asks Kaidan. Shep looks at him calmly.

—Believe me. I’m not imagining things. I remember clearly the sound of the shout through his skin. The joy I felt. I didn’t imagine that, I killed him.

—Then all we have to do is find out what the hell it’s going on, nothing more –sums up Jack. Oh, Shepard had missed her _so_ much.

—Okay. Jacob, Miranda, go back to Earth and ask around the hospital. Everything they can tell us could be of use.

—I distracted them yesterday, Shepard. I faced them. —Miranda shrugs. —There was nothing strange around them.

—I’d like you to take another look all the same.

That almost sounds like an order. Jacob nods and goes to get his armour, and Miranda follows his steps without arguing.

It just felt so natural. Shepard feels the thrill through her veins and snorts out of nowhere.

—Liara, do you need us to take you somewhere where the connection is better?

It takes two seconds for the message to arrive to Liara’s brain. She tilts her head another second before speaking.

—The connection depends entirely on the Citadel, and, well, given its state I’m surprised the Normandy has access at all.

—They’re gathering all the resources there. —Garrus explains for Shepard. —Sanitary, technological, everything.

—It was our focus point before. Seems legit to restore it as soon as possible. —Kaidan doesn’t take his eyes off Liara, surprised at how fast she types.

—I’m surprised they transferred you from there, Shepard —adds Tali. The silence does make Kaidan raise his eyes.

The Commander is looking through the window into the sky, thinking of mountains.

—I asked not to be hospitalized there. —she says softly. —I’ve had enough of it for a while.

—I can handle from here.

There is resolve in Liara’s voice, but Shepard finally understand the hidden suggestion.

—No, no, I mean... We can go there, of course.

—We don’t have to. There is another place that could give us the access we need while asking lesser questions. —Joker is the only one who sees it coming and chuckles. Kaidan doesn’t finch. —Omega.

Liara speaks hesitantly.

—The part of the lesser questioning sounds attractive.

—Guys, I saved that fucking city countless times. I didn’t want to be hospitalized there, but I sure as hell don’t mind going. —the gazes flow to Garrus, what makes her point at him with her chin. —If you ever look at Garrus for clues on _my_ resolve again I’m ejecting you all out of the ship. You included, Garrus.

—Me?

Jack snorts.

—You can’t live without him. You can’t fool us.

—Please, don’t make her prove it. I’m not sure of my chances.

—Yeah, like last time you dared me to launch the Mako off a cliff.

Garrus jumps to his feet, unsure whether to laugh or to cry.

—No, I said “Shepard, don’t launch the Mako off a cliff”! And then you launched the Mako off a cliff–

—Alright, lovebirds, then I’ll land the alpha team here and sail us to Omega. —Joker limps to the bridge. Garrus watches helplessly how Shepard’s eyes glimmer again.

—So. —She cleans them fast. —How come Miranda convinced you all so easily to leave no matter what to come here?

—We are not doing this for Miranda, Shepard. We do this for you. —Tali crosses her arms, Shepard could bet she is smiling under her helmet. Kaidan takes over.

—You gave all you had for the galaxy. Almost all of you. Now you need help and we sure as hell are giving it.

—Alright, guys, give her some room, new Shepard is sensitive.

—Jack, give me a break. —Jack snorts as Shepard throws her a tiny sphere of her biotic powers that immediately makes her pant. Garrus is fast enough to hold her.

—I’m fine.

—Are you sure? —he mutters. —Don’t try to fool me, remember I am the one holding you.

—I’m fine, as long as you don’t test it by releasing me. —she replies, fast as usual, and Garrus chuckles sweetly.

—Alright! Enough lovey dovey for me too. —Kaidan stands and lends a hand to Jack. —Wanna practice?

—Finally! Ready to get your ass kicked, Alenko?

—Can I be the arbitrator?

Tali’s suggestion makes Jack laugh mockingly.

—We won’t need one, the victory will be obvious, trust me.

Samara steps towards them.

—Mind if I defy the victorious?

—Don’t know, Jack, won’t you be jealous?

Jack points at him with her index.

—That was fast, Alenko, just not enough. Let’s settle this.

—Make yourselves at home, uh —says Shepard as they leave. Garrus finally dares to release her.

—Don’t make that look, you’re not joining them, Lil.

—If I could, I’d kick you to prove you wrong.

—That’s my point!

Shepard laughs a little and finally catches her breath. Garrus is staring at her, half worried and half terribly amused at the lame scene.

—Give me that look and I’ll destroy what’s left of your ugly face, Garrus.

—Like you could.

—I will. Eventually.

—Heh —he lowers his head to kiss her cheek, gently, slowly.

—Mm. —it takes all her strength to resist him, but she finally steps back. —Well?

He stares at her, lost.

—Well what?

—Are you going to let me walk free around my own ship at least? I guess you’ll have calibrations to do.

He can’t hold his laughter. He just wishes he was still holding her so he could finally let her go to bite the dust.

—Alright, feel free to move around like you owned the place. Just promise me you won’t find a way to jump into space without warning me first.

—I promise I’ll try. —unable to resist the urge any longer, she kisses him. Not shyly, deeply, confident, like they feel the urge to do when no one else is around. Garrus forgets to fake annoyance any longer, and Shepard, well, she forgets about anything else than the kiss.

* * *

She still has several hours before arriving to the Omega. Good. She intends to win her favour before she catches her doing something ordinary, like walking or breathing around or training. Softly, of course, because Garrus wouldn’t agree to be her partner otherwise. Not like he’d let her partner with anyone else given her condition.

Chakwas is noting something on her computer. Shepard knocks at the door and she turns with a smile, turning off the holographic screen. Not suspicious at all.

—Shepard. I hear you’re actually going to do something stupid again. How are you going to name them? Stubborn?

Shepard can’t help to laugh. Then she sits next to her. She has missed her roughness, her frankness.

Chakwas presses her hand slightly. How long has she spaced out? Shepard clears her throat and that indecision finally makes Chakwas laugh roughly.

—And I haven’t even started congratulating you on the great news yet!

Here goes a part she hasn’t missed. Not as much at least.

—Tell me, Shepard. What’s worrying you so much to keep the great Commander speechless? —she smirks. —Just in case you were wondering, yes, Garrus told me about your nightmares, no, you’re not quitting the sleeping pills.

She frowns. Chakwas notices how one of her hand casually rests near her belly.

—I want to know my odds. If I chose to go along with this, which I haven’t decided yet, so spare me your lectures for now.

—I will. Your chances. Heh, the things you ask. —she shakes her head. Oh, how much she had missed those mad things that happened around Shepard. —Well, let’s see. Your implants are delicate after the stress you pushed them through...

—It was a war, not me, remember.

—You didn’t surrender, did you? Aren’t you too stubborn to die? Then it’s your fault. —she goes on, her smile not reflected in her tone. —We should have better resources in some months, and you’d be resting during this time, right?

—Right.

—You’ll have to go through Cesarean surgery during the sixth or seventh month. Turian babies don’t have so many difficulties being new–borns, they will be fine. I don’t think their iron carapace would be troublesome sooner than that. So long for the medical inconveniences.

—Maybe that’s not the only problem. —Shepard sighs theatrically, what makes Chakwas chuckle. —I’m getting old.

—You bet you are. —now it’s Chakwas’ turn to clear her throat, trying to get serious. —We’re not in the 2010s, Shepard, and you're still standing after the collapse of a Crucible beneath your feet. That won’t be a problem, alright? You are strong as hell. I cannot give you any guarantees, I can only tell you what I think. I think it can be done. So far for the medical issues. —Chakwas rises all of a sudden. —Oh, and Cerberus will keep hunting you down for bringing into this world a hybrid, sure.

The word is deliberate; Chakwas wants to try her. After all, she hasn’t seen her. She has to know her psyche is as strong as it used to.

—But it won’t be actually hybrid, will it? I mean. It will have my DNA mutated into something turian–like. Nothing human. Nothing that risks its life.

—How could I say? Only Cerberus has all the info about your implants.

What a way to reassure patients. She used to have more tact, long ago, she guesses.

—Before letting you know, I’ve been reading all the exams they performed on you, Shepard. I think it should be alright. I’m not telling you to get an abortion if I don’t think your life is in danger. Everything seems fine. Strange, maybe, but fine.

Shepard sighs heavily.

—How do _you_ feel about it? —adds Chakwas.

Bingo. That hits the spot. Shepard hesitates. It must be tough, Chakwas is aware. _Tough_ must be an understatement.

—It’s... hard to say. This is a chance I didn’t think it was even possible. I don’t know what to think, but I sure don’t want to give up on something I might actually want just because Cerberus says so.

Chakwas breathes deeply. It is a delicate matter and Shepard is keeping a fragile balance between two hard choices.

—If you do this, Shepard, do it because you’re ready and willing, don’t face this as a revenge against Cerberus.

—I won’t. I just want to think about it thoughtfully. I find myself... excited at the idea. —she tilts her head and sighs. —I don’t intend to die over it, Karin, but this...

Chakwas had already considered what she was going to say before she had entered. Her pessimism had to win the battle. “Shepard, you have to recover, not to have something draining your strength”. It didn’t seem difficult, not until she actually faced Shepard to find her hopeful about this. She had never seen Shepard hopeful, not for anything non–military.

—Good to know, Shepard. —she said, softly, improvising but convinced. —You deserve something good and bright at least, at long least. Just think about the downsides too.

—You think Garrus wants this?

Well, she isn’t used to see her doubtful either. Ah, what a time to be alive.

—I think he can’t stand the thought of losing you over it.

—Why are you all so obsessed with that? —she grunts. —How many times have I _actually_ died?

—More than anyone else in history, now that you mention it.

—Well, how many times have I died without reviving later?

—Why don’t we count how many times you almost die? I wouldn’t count on Cerberus reviving you a second time.

Shepard chuckles first. There’s no point on trying to win Chakwas over this kind of argument, she knows already.

—I’m not dying for this, Karin, but if I give up solely because of Cerberus I’ll wonder for the rest of my life what it could have been like.

Chakwas lets out a deep breath.

—You know Garrus better than me, but something tells me a Garrus puppy is something he strongly considered before finding you.

Shepard doesn’t answer. It’s true. That “something” telling Chakwas is his gentleness, the overwhelming sweetness he rarely shows to anyone. She remembers the first week in the hospital. She was finally allowed a short trip to the gardens. Of course, he wanted to be with her. Of course, bringing a huge alien to children not allowed to leave the building was a success. The only failure was the constant fear of Garrus to hurt them, those tender skins of theirs. Shepard can’t help to laugh at the thought. He likes kids, of course, and the only thing stopping him to actually consider having a family (that is, before starting with Shepard) was his constant fear of not being enough. She knows he is. There is no room for doubt about that. She had already considered about adoption, they had talked about it, but surviving the war seemed impossible back then and the thoughts were short sighted. None of them honestly thought they’d get a chance to make those plans true. Now there is room for more, for much more.

—I’m glad you survived to keep proving the impossible. —Chakwas says gently. Shepard comes back to the real world with a smile.

—You complimenting me? Now I’m glad I survived too.

 


	4. Chapter 4

—Happy to be back?

Shepard averts her gaze from the wardrobe that has been displaying an armour and a more comfortable suit for fifteen minutes.

Liara seems amused by her hard time choosing. Shepard smiles at her.

—You see, I can’t decide whether I rather show Arya my armour fits two Shepards inside now or going unprotected to meet her.

—Why do you have to go there yourself?

—I rather not let you asking her a favour alone.

Liara smiles kindly.

—Have you already told Garrus?

—Not yet. Cover me.

Her smile deepens. The door closes behind her when she steps in; she takes a moment to admire Shepard, much to her discomfort.

—What is it?

Her fractured bones are healed. Her chemic levels are perfect. She isn’t even on painkillers anymore. The only issue are the implants, that need to be properly recalibrated, but without EDI the Normandy doesn’t have a way to do it. Yet all Liara sees are the slow movements, as if her confidence had been swollen. It doesn’t look like it, but...

Liara can’t help thinking about those seventy hours. Less than three days where they mourned everyone: Legion, Mordin, EDI, Thane, Shepard herself. Shepard. She had completed the last task they had requested of her and, then, she had vanished. As unfair as that.

And Garrus’ stubborn determination when the news arrived. “They’ve found her”. Joker’s voice had sounded so shocked through the Normandy speakers. “They say they’ve found her. They– they say she’s _alive_ ”.

—I’m just wondering how many times you will keep coming back when it no longer seems possible.

He wouldn’t believe it. Garrus denied it fiercely. He was enraged and devastated and denied it with all his strength. Garrus couldn’t bear to have hope until he could see her with his own eyes, so they fled to her. And when he finally saw her he couldn’t believe it either. It was unfair, seeing her almost dead, it was awfully unfair, yet how lucky were they to still have her? It wasn’t true. It couldn’t. As if they didn’t deserve some small comfort after the disaster.

—And how many times we can bear it. —her voice is barely a whisper, absorbed by her long–time friend, before her eyes.

—I’m fine, Liara —she answers quietly.

Liara wishes to touch her. She can show her the wounds they all carry, she can let her feel the same feelings she has. To make her understand the toll all this has taken. But that would be terribly unfair as well.

—Tell me the truth, am I dying and you all are just terribly scared to tell me straight?

Liara chuckles. Well, maybe they’ll have to get used to having her around for a long, long time. Wouldn’t it be great, that the feeling that she’s too good to exist lasted forever wrong?

—I hope not.

Following her gesture, Shepard finally choses the comfortable suit. She gets into it and looks herself in the mirror, then sighs. It’s more obvious than she had hoped.

—Are you sure you want to show Aria your condition? —teases Liara as Shepard takes the weapon’s belt.

—I’m not ashamed of all we’ve been through to this point, Liara. Let’s show her.

How can she still have that talent for the great sentences? It was a joke, of course, Shepard would never think of convincing _Aria_ with some speech about morale and doing the right thing, but it is true all the same. That’s what leaves Liara speechless.

—I don’t need you down there, Shepard. —she adds. Shepard smirks.

—Too bad I’m going all the same.

She laughs, this time truly, happily.

—You still have that talent to close others’ mouths, uh? Good to know.

—I’m practicing. I better have improved by the time the Council is back to work. Just be sure to stand before me at the sight of any weapon, I fear the air from the movement may blow me away.

Liara goes off with another chuckle. Shepard goes to the armoury with more confident steps. It’s good to know she can still reassure people, specially if those people are sick worried friends. She avoids the bridge, where everyone is waiting for her, and gets to the weaponry.

Aaand Chakwas is waiting for her there. Shepard cuts her enthusiasm as she comes in.

—Disappointed to find me here? —she asks, crossing her arms, a smirk on her face. Shepard sighs.

—Surprised!

—I don’t know if you remember you were hospitalized 24 hours ago? Because you’re taking this as holydays, not as the change of place of hospitalization it is.

—They hadn’t discharged me already just because the implants needed the info they hadn’t received yet. —that makes Chakwas uncross her arms, much to Shepard’s satisfaction.

—Just how do you know about that?

—Garrus told me.

Chakwas rolls her eyes.

—And just how did he think we’ll keep you still if you know that part, tying you? Come on, Shepard, how can he be a soldier and so naïve at the same time?

She shrugs and steps towards the armoury. Chakwas doesn’t blink, her body still blocking the path to the weapons.

—Don’t know, but I’m going. Otherwise I may start shooting in the air to distract me.

—They were going to discharge you so you could _rest_ at home, Shepard!

—Well, too bad my home is a spaceship, don’t you agree?

—I don’t think you got the part I tried to emphasize.

And, with a sigh, Chakwas finally steps aside. Shepard takes a small gun and smiles at her.

—I’ll behave.

—Don’t make them worry, alright?

—I can’t ask them to stop treating me as if I were about to disappear at any time, right?

The melancholy in her voice gives her away for a moment; quickly, Shepard makes a goodbye gesture to her and goes off.

They land in fifteen minutes. Shepard rushes to the shuttle. The team is already waiting for her.

—I’m ready. Let’s go in —she moves quickly, signs the form Tali handles her and jumps in the shuttle.

The entire group looks through the window. The Normandy is in position long ago, suspended over the glowing station of Omega, whose neon light engulfs the stars around.

—Naff. —comments Jack.

—Naff or not, I wish I could go down to taste their drinks. —Kaidan sighs. Samara smiles. Kaidan starts to regret what he said already.

—Jealous of being out of the squad?

—Joke all you like, but I’m starting to see favourable condition here.

—Heh. —Garrus finally gets his device ready over his eye. —You can’t upset me, Alenko. I’ll be on her talons until she convinces me she is back to her usual self. Favourable, my ass.

—It may take him a while, you better find something better to do than just sit around —adds Shepard.

Chakwas appears in the room before the count is finished. She stands at the other side of the glass with the rest of the team. Clearly in disagreement. She points at Garrus and Liara, waiting inside the shuttle with Shepard.

—Take care of her and try to act as lame as she, so she doesn’t shine like a damn beacon praying to be shot!

Shep can’t help to snort. She lights on her own comm to answer.

—I can pretend I’m alright as long as we don’t run.

—Or jump. Or slide. Or get shot. Or try to shoot.

—Do any of you intend to do any of those things in Aria’s territory? Anyone? —she looks theatrically around, that makes Chakwas snort. —No one? No temptation? Sure? Alright. Then I guess we’ll be going.

—I hope your thin ass gets shot! —with a sceptical smile Chakwas screams to make herself heard as the shuttle closes its door.

The Normandy opens her gates. The land is still really far, the ship has barely reached the last level of the atmosphere. That’s the furthest Aria allows any free ship to approach her. Fine enough.

<<Guys, try to behave>> Kaidan sounds almost worried. <<We don’t know how loose they’ve the trigger after the war>>.

—Alright, we’ll be good boys. —adds Shepard, at the wheel. She takes a deep breath.

—Do you want us to take the place? —says Liara. Shepard breathes again, this time more frustrated.

—Guys, please, I’m fine!

<<Stop breaking every now and then and we won’t be so suspicious>> points James. Fair enough. Shepard starts the shuttle and they part towards the blinding neon lights of Omega.

It surprises her to find she still remembers the way. The memory feels ages old now. She parks and they get off.

Omega is not powerful, not in a sense the Reapers could grasp. It looks almost intact, which makes Shepard’s blood boil, how can it be that half of the galaxy is ruined while this stands still? But at the same time... At the same time, this is a proof of the result. Some things survived.

They walk inside the station to the Afterlife because they are convinced Aria would be there. The beats of its awful music betray it.

—This brings memories. —says Garrus softly.

<<Great ones, uh? We all had terrible fun when we found you just to see you blown up>>.

That strikes a nerve for Shepard, whose heart tends to skip a beat whenever she thinks about that, god, she _is_ sensitive, isn’t she? Garrus lays his hand on her wrist.

—Shepard was alive.

And she had suggested she liked him. And he had confessed his feelings. And she had kissed him and he had forgotten to fear anymore. And, well, the rest was history.

<<Technically, she wasn’t alive, she had been rebuilt and revived, you know>>.

<<Ugh, Joker, shut up>> spits Tali. Shepard lets out a laugh and enters the Afterlife.

The crowded bar is almost empty. The surprise makes Shepard stand still for a split second because she had never thought the people in Omega had anywhere else to go and, well, better not to think they were gone.

Garrus and Liara don’t press her. They’re agape as well.

—Are you sure we survived after all? —Garrus takes another look around before following Shepard. —This place is kind of dead.

—Hah. Hah.

<<Alright, I like joking Garrus>> Joker snorts before Samara’s sigh cut him.

<<Because he’s more or less as funny as you>>.

Aria is on her usual spot as the queen she despicts herself to be. The usual bodyguard doesn’t bother to stop Shepard, but she does with Garrus and Liara. Without turning around, Shepard approaches Aria.

She doesn’t get to their usual couch, though. She stoppes on the stairs. Aria speaks without bothering to turn around.

—You know the rules, Shepard, you can’t join me accompanied. You doesn’t look healthy, you know.

—Thank you for caring about my health, I’m fine, but my turian partner won’t believe me. Why don’t you tell him or let him come with me?

—And the asari?

—I am the one to request you a favour. —Liara points before Shepard can cut in. Aria seems rather interested, but she pretends to be bothered at the inconvenience.

She likes this play of power and sumission. She likes it a lot, because she loves to feel like she is the only one to submit Shepard. Shepard doesn’t let it get to her nerves.

—Well, let’s make an exception for once. Don’t get used to it.

<<You should take it as her way to say “thank you”, I guess>> snorts James.

—Shouldn’t you guys be ready to check on anything she says to see if she lies? —mutters Liara, taking advantage of Aria’s brief teasing to Garrus and Shepard’s “connection”.

<<Ya kiddin’?!

<<I barely remember how we did this before–>>

Before EDI. Tali’s voice dies.

EDI and Joker spent some time here, some really pleasant time, and the mention of their name makes Shepard lose her speech for a second.

Aria doesn’t miss the chance, of course.

—Never thought you were one to space out, Shepard. Watch out. Rumour is you have sequels.

The sentence sounds almost innocent. Then, Aira’s fierce eyes fix an exact point where nothing stands out yet, but that makes Shepard freeze all the same.

Aria chuckles. No better evidence than the sudden tension on those three.

—I wonder if _everything_ rumours say is true. —she teases a little more, and suddenly she doesn’t feel so confident around that tense turian who is, like all turians, surprisingly _tall_.

—You’ll have to wait to find out. —Shepard answers calmly.

Hell, this woman has some nerve. And Aria has a weakness for that, why would she keep talking to a fucking _paragon_ otherwise? She stares at her dark eyes. She wonders. Is she aware of how much trouble she means for Omega?

—Wait for what?

—To see if I survive Cerberus.

—Again. —points the turian.

—That’s why you’re here? Because the freedom in Omega seduced you?

—Having the Council almost disbanded benefits you, doesn’t it?

—Am I the only one taking advantage of that?

Nobody knows who the Shadow Broker is. Liara is well aware of the fact, she has protected herself, she has been careful. Yet she can’t answer with confidence to her fixed eyes. Damn. It’s no surprise this asari rules over the entire Omega. She has secrets enough to rule over something while bigger, or at least she has the ability to pretend she can, which is more dangerous.

—Okay, then another rumour I must have gotten wrong is that you killed the Illusive Man.

Shepard chuckles as she tastes the mysterious liquid on her glass.

—Nope, that one is true. I think. —she frowns. —I hope.

—Can’t you tell the difference between killing someone and not killing them? I thought you’d be more experienced. —Shepard tilts her head with her eyes following a waitress trying to identify the weight of a hidden weapon.

—I was kind of too torn into pieces to notice. But there are reports. I’ve seen them. He is dead.

—There is no Cerberus without the Illusive Man.

The phrasing, the _fucking_ phrasing. Garrus feels the urge to sigh, Shepard, to laugh.

—So! Either your aim is as bad as your looks, or there are two of them. —Aria raises her glass and empties it. —Either way, I don’t care. I’m not dealing with a racist organization for you, Shepard. They’re not worth my time.

—They’re not worth anyone’s. —Garrus stares at the dance floor, undaunted. It’s kind of difficult to see people dancing and not to laugh at the thought of some twirling Commander.

—We just want access to your connection to the Net. We’ll handle the rest ourselves.

Aria empties her refilled glass, her pupils not leaving Liara.

—What do I get?

—We are not doing one of your task all over the system. —Garrus voice doesn’t leave room for questioning. His gaze averts Shepard skillfully, but Aria knows her lame looks are the reason behind that hostility.

—You just have do me a favour once you get to Cerberus’ new place.

Following no obvious command, a waiter approaches and handles a mysterious package, small and light. Liara weights it in her hands.

—What exactly are you asking us to do?

—You just have to attach that little thing to any computer you find at their base.

——And what is it going to do?

—Send me their data. —Aria’s eyes are clean and calm. As calm as she is capable of. —I just want their research. Nothing more, nothing less.

—So you can sell it to the Black Market afterwards, right?

Aria smiles, as if to say “you’re one to talk”, and answers ignoring Liara.

—You’ll have to wait to find out.

Liara still looks at the package with critical eye.

—For not being worth your time, you must have spent quite some time researching this.

—Do we have a deal?

—We don’t need this, Shepard. —argues Liara, trying to sound reassuring. —I’ll handle it with the ressources we have.

It doesn’t affect Aria and her expertice on looking as the one holding every ace on the table.

—Can you afford that delay, Shepard? —Garrus tenses.

—She can.

As an answer, Shepard loses in the eyes of her companions. Can she? She has to make a decission. Knowing how much danger will be waiting for her around the next corner would be of fucking use when taking the decission.

Garrus looks at her straight.

—You– We don’t need this to make a choice.

What if she’s condemning herself? Or it? Or worse. What if she’s condamming Garrus?

Shepard stands up eith a constant beating in her throat that denies she’s right. She speaks nevertheless.

—Sorry, Aria.

—As you wish. —she raises her refilled glass as they walk away. —Feel free to come back. Though I might have all I want before that happens.

—You better hurry. It won’t take long for us to dismantle them.

—Don’t worry for me, Shepard. I’ll even give you a preview. Want to find them? Check your home. —with a proud smile, Aria gestures a waiter to come to her. No one on the squad stops walking away.

The music of the Afterlife fades. As soon as they leave, Liara stretches Shepard’s shoulder with confidence.

<<Shep, you rock! Nice going, close that bastard’s trap!>>

<<You did the right thing.>>

Shepard sighs heavily. Her gaze loses on the dirty, noisy streets Aria has used to build her castle. They’re alive thanks to them. And they have to beg anyway.

—I hope so, guys.

—I’m already on it. —Liara doesn’t take her eyes off the omni–tool. —We won’t need her.

As if to confirm her promise, Liara’s omni–tool blinks, she has a call. She goes away with an apology.

Shepard lays her back on the shuttle and sighs, that makes Garrus turn off his comm. When he approaches her, Shepard does the same.

—I’m... relieved to see you still have your integrity intact.

His hand surrounds her wrist again and with that the calm returns to Shepard’s tired veins. That smirk he has.

—As Joker once put it, paragon without cause. —she smiles sadly, but Garrus kisses her all the same.

—Sometimes I find it hard to believe that you’re still the same after all we’ve been through.

—You intend to make _me_ blush, don’t you?

He chuckles and reconnects the radio. The team doesn’t miss the chance to tease them all the same, he is just quite the expert at ignoring them.

Liara returns with an apology and keeps searching in her omni–tool as they start the shuttle.

<<So we have nothing. Great>>. Tali, the expert at raising the spirit.

—Jack can come here to make her show when she wishes —points Shep. Jack laughs.

<<Fuckin’ tempting>>.

<<Two Illusive Man.>> Kaidan lets out a whistle. <<What do you think? Which one is the devil twin, the one we already met or the one we have yet to meet?>>

—Why does it have to be a devil twin? —Garrus stares, startled. Of course, almost no one understands such a human cliché in the crew, but that doesn’t stop Shep to press her head against the wheel all the same at the thought of the Illusive Man being the _good_ twin.

—I’m retiring.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to regroup, rethink the strategy, have some unexpected confessions...

It still feels like such a fantasy.

The shuttle opens and there they are. Back home. The galaxy has proven cruel, why would it let them always come back to the Normandy? Maybe they’re lucky after all.  
Shit, she is becoming sappy.  
The shuttle inserts itself in the Normandy. After the decontamination process, all gates open and they’re free.  
The team waits for them. They don’t look as frustrated as Shepard feels, which is a good sign, because she feels like hitting her head against the wall, more or less.  
Chakwas is getting a lot into the crew life. Shepard isn’t even surprised to see her waiting among the others.  
—I had forgotten how uncomfortable the suits are.  
—Specially when they’re two sizes big on you now. —James winks at her. She removes the helmet so relieved she can’t help to smile.  
—Next time I leave you my place to save the universe, let’s see if you maintain all that muscle, right?  
Of course, Karin’s presence is inescapable. She approaches Shepard and stands before her, facing the commander with her obstinate eyes.  
—To the med bay.  
This is going to be a trip hell of long, isn’t it.  
—Wait a moment, we have to set course.  
—Aria could have helped us more, had she wanted to. —spits Tali. —What did she mean by “going back home”?  
<<Earth, right?>>  
—Joker, Miranda and Jacob are already checking there. —even James sounds tired. —They haven’t reported anything.  
—Mindoir.  
Of course, the name doesn’t ring a bell because only humans know the name. Jack has no human background, but Kaidan and James’ faces do react. And quite a reaction.  
—I don’t know if all of you are aware. I didn’t grow up in Earth, but in Mindoir. When I was sixteen, batarians raided it. The Alliance sent forces, but they weren’t enough to stop it. All my family died there.  
This is not, by any mean, the worst disaster Shepard has faced. But this is the first. It feels wrong, to have put her through the worst since that young.  
—How old were you? —Liara sounds more affected than she meant to. She clears her throat with embarrassment, Shep smiles sadly.  
—Sixteen. Two years later, I joined the Alliance and you know the rest.  
That’s quite a simplification. James sighs. There he was, thinking Shepard was admirable enough as it was, turns out she has been since really young.  
—I never noticed you had something against batarians.  
—I don’t.  
—That’s my point. I don’t know if I could say the same.  
—You must have noticed she has something against scavengers. —points out a smiling Kaidan. Shepard is starting to worry about how smoothly those two are getting along.  
—Maybe.  
<<So? We go to Mindoir?>>  
—Any better idea than following whatever tiny info Aria throws at us? —nice try, but of course no one answers to Tali’s desperate call. Shpard sighs.  
—Yes, Joker, set course to it.  
<<Alright. I don’t know if there are relays working on the area, Commander, I’ll inform you as soon as I know>>.  
—Good. Let’s have some lun... Alright, Karin, the checking first, don’t glare at me like that, I get it, release my arm.

* * *

 

Free from Chakwas’ examination and too healthy for her to be able to restrain her, a freed Shepard wonders around the ship.  
It’s nighttime, or the night time of the Normandy. Most lights are off and there is silence all over the ship, so the team really is sleeping. Or at least pretending too.  
There is no light in the Starboard Observation room either, but Shepard heads there all the same. She already suspected what she was about to find.  
Joker hears her sloppy steps and turns. He stands up quickly.  
—I’ll leave you room, Commander.  
She came to find him, actually. She is sensitive enough to notice Joker is trying to avoid her, though, so she doesn’t mention it. She just stands.  
Joker has already crossed the door she’s laying against by the time he stops and sighs.  
—Oh. You noticed, right?  
—It’s okay, Joker.  
Joker comes back and sits again in the fortress of cushions that are gathered there so he won’t get hurt.  
—Damn. —he sighs. —No, it’s not.  
Hesitantly, Shepard walks inside the room. It takes a lot of courage to sit next to him. Joker stares at her for a second.  
—How did you know I was here?  
—I haven’t heard you joking in like five minutes. I was suspicious.  
Despite himself, Joker snorts. He cleans his weepy eyes with the back of his hand, a gesture he’s used to do lately.  
—I can’t blame you for it. Come on, look what you did. Some of us survived. Most of us even better than you. It is a lot.  
—Joker, you don’t have to... push this. If you want to avoid me, do it. I...  
Joker takes a look at her. Her eyes don’t move away from the stars, those cold, threatening stars she ended up saving.  
—If it had been Garrus. —she stops for a split second. —I can’t blame you.  
There he is, feeling miserable enough for losing her and unable to stop blaming Shepard at the same time, and there she is, understanding. God.  
—You couldn’t sacrifice every other species for her. I know. I just wish you had.  
The stars feel so lonely now.  
Shepard finally finds the courage to hug him, the only one that has been there since day one, through every episode, after every catastrophe, after every sacrifice, after losing what was most important. Always, since day one.  
—I miss her.  
—I miss her too.

* * *

 

It has a neptunean blue she often remembers.  
Its sight has already appeared through the windows of the Normandy. The planet is still there. A little part of her is always surprised to find it wasn’t vanquished as all its inhabitants were.  
<<We land in thirty minutes, Shepard.>>  
—Roger.  
There is hesitation at the other end of the line.  
<<You should pick up the squad.>>  
It reminds her of the Earth oceans. It always does. She has been there several times, she has swum in those waters. She dated Garrus there once, while she was desperate and he noticed because after six months she couldn’t get enough things ready to anticipate their return. The war. Earth has that same colour too and its ocean are more recent in her head. And she is not a sensitive person, there should be no objective reason to make this always clearer and more striking than the Earth oceans, Garrus laughing at her swimming so incredibly slow to his turian standards.  
Yet no new memory has ever wiped this small, forgotten colony’s colour from her memory. Maybe nothing ever will.  
—I should. Care to assembly* them, Joker?  
<<I wouldn’t care, but looks like they anticipated you>>.  
—Come on!  
<<Yeah, they’re waiting in the meeting room. Looks like everyone wants to be in your team, Shep. I wish someone had wanted me that bad in their team when I was in school. But my bones, their tendency to break every now and then, stuff>>.  
—If you ask me, being the most wanted is not as fancy as it looks.  
New strategy. She shows up already wearing her armour. That won’t make them argue any less, that’s for sure, but it may help prove there is no point in trying.  
James snorts when she enters the room, which makes everyone turn instantly, of course. The worse part? She can’t tell if he did it on purpose.  
—Someone is excited to be back.  
—Took you long enough to notice, uh? —she smiles, radiant*. Now it’s Jack’s time to snort.  
—Well? Which three will now be lucky enough to have some fun?  
—Two. One is the commander. You know, because she’s the one who choses, so she chose herself first.  
—Favourable condition —sings Tali. The stupid, fast melody reminds Shepard of Mordin, how could she not smile at that? Otherwise she may end up crying.  
—Yeah, well, the commander maybe should start listening to others besides her own judgement.  
Chakwas. Ugh, how can she love and hate so much the same voice at the same time, wonders Shepard with the urge to laugh.  
—I’ve commanded this ship for three* long years, Karin, has it gone that bad?  
—For someone other than you? No. You are what worries me. Hadn’t I mentioned it?  
—Perhaps you should consider it. —Liara sounds shy. She doesn’t avert her gaze from the screen of the holographic notebook, maybe because she always has a bad time when confronting her beloved Shepard, maybe because she really thinks it’s not such an important matter.  
—As I’m constantly saying, I’m fine and I’m the only one in the crew who knows this planet. Why shouldn’t I join?  
Her voice is not harsh, but her eyes are deadly serious. It’s okay, they’re worried, she gets it. But it must stop at some point or this is going to be a life really hard living.  
—Alright, then. Garrus, Kaidan, you’re coming with me.  
Garrus takes a step.  
—You don’t have to do this, Lil.  
The name slips through Garrus’ mouth, who is ever careful to maintain the title when anyone else is around. Not this time. That makes Shep forget her annoyance. She stretchs his hand while her tenacious eyes don’t hesitate.  
—This is a mere colony, Garrus. I’ll be alright.  
—I agree with him, Shepard. —Chakwas ignores her sigh. —Your implants, remember? You must remember, your heart beating rate suggests they still hurt you.  
—Joker, remind me to remove the snitch we call our Doctor’s permission to access the Normandy’s monitors.  
<<Roger!>>  
—Don’t make me put you in different classrooms, kids. —Chakwas doesn’t even blink when leaving the jokes. —This is serious, Shepard. Garrus is right. Okay, going to a night club is acceptable, but you can’t risk yourself or the squad in a field mission.  
—Are we going to have this conversation every time I try to tie my own shoe without supervision?  
—I don’t know, will you ever be reasonable?  
—Karin: I can handle the pain, I haven’t lost my reflections*, my shooting is as good as ever, as well as my biotics. I have my reasoning* intact and I am making great efforts to improve my patience lately. Why exactly should I not join?  
Chakwas barely blinks.  
—The more stubborn you are, the more you worry me. What do you want with this? Why this... pig–headedness?  
—This is a human colony. I know it well.  
—There are more humans here beside you.  
—Whatever it is we’re looking for, it’s my life. I don’t think anyone else can do this better than me.  
—Let them try. That’s all I ask for.  
—I’m asking for some trust. I think I earned it. —Shepard tilts her head a minimum. —I’m not staying here for no reason.  
—What if we supress the three–members squad rule?  
All heads turn to Kaidan, including some Shepard had forgotten were there at all.  
—Standard protocol. The smaller the groups are, the harder they’ll be to spot. —Shepard recites. —It’s the standard for the entire galaxy.  
—Yeah, right, I know, but four won’t make such a difference to be spotted or not, while it could mean winning or not. Shepard, you’re currently out of service*. This is no matter of rank. You’re taking three of us from now on or you’re staying in the Normandy.  
The Spectre authority suits him, when he’s not busy using it to be an ass against her. Shepard sighs. She knows when to admit a defeat.  
—Alright, a four team. Kaidan, Garrus, James, get ready.  
<<Commander...>>  
Ah, that tone. Shepard has barely headed to the entrance when she turns back around as soon as she hears it.  
—Please, tell me my day is going to improve.  
<<I’m not so sure. I just got a communication from Miranda. She requests an extraction. ASAP.>>  
—We said six days. Not even four have passed yet. —Garrus looked at her right in the eye. —I don’t like the looks of this.  
—Me neither. Alright, Joker, we land and the rest of you go get them.  
—...Sure?  
<<Shep, if we leave, there is a high chance we won’t br able to communicate as happened with Miranda and Jacob.>>  
Oh, the effort she has to make not to breath really, really deep.  
—This is a colony. I don’t know what makes y’all so terribly scared of it, but there is nothing fearsome in Mindoir. Not anymore. —her eyes don’t show any doubts, as reassuring as ever. —So we’ll check here if there is something remotely strange while you go, pick them up and come back for us.  
<<I have no idea how long it will take to go through the relays and come back, Shepard. Maybe some days. They’re not working properly yet>>  
—Yeah, I count on it. A colony! Nothing to fear. We will be having the boring job, not them.  
—Yeah, it should be like that. —Tali nods. —It’s the part of you saying it will be easy what makes us suspicious.  
—Ha. Ha. Come on, move. The sooner, the better. Let’s go get ready.  
As soon as she crosses the door, she turns a corner, hides behind it and there she finally lets out the frustrated sigh she has been repressing. It’s getting more and more difficult to repress it, but if they could just stop being such a nuisance, maybe she won’t be constantly on the verge of screaming something.  
Garrus comes through the door as well, looking for something. His focused eyes relax at the sight of her.  
—Hey. Lil.  
Now it’s not the time for his worried voice, his relaxing voice. Shepard speaks harshly.  
—Please, Garrus. I... need some space.  
He has learnt to tell apart between her need of space and her need of comprehension, usually mixed with her exhaustion and her hard time knowing how to request it. With a lot of courage, he steps towards her.  
She looks away from him. She is hurt, okay, he had guessed that much. He gets so close to her that she could have rested her head against him, had she wanted to.  
Instead, she allows herself to sigh.  
—I’m just... exhausted, you know. I can’t recover, calm you all, process everything and act as always at the same time all of a sudden.  
Hesitantly, he reaches for her hand. She lets him. He stretches it.  
—You don’t have to prove anything.  
Her dark eyes face his, as worried as mad.  
—Nothing but being alright enough.  
He doesn’t dare to argue about that. She sees that. Now it’s her hand the one to reach the other’s cheek. It calms her a little.  
—You’ve trained with me twice a day for four days. How did I perform? So wrong? Because Chakwas was surprised at how well I was improving given my looks. Her words.  
—We worry not because you showed weaknesses these days, Lil, but because whenever we look at you it’s painfully obvious how close we were to losing you.  
—Well, like it or not, but I survived and you can’t keep treating me as if I didn’t.  
—I’m sorry.  
He doesn’t stop caressing her hair.  
—So?  
—Mm?  
—After such a statement, is there something you want to say about your heart beating rate?  
She laughs despite herself. Touché, that’s for sure. It’s hard not to rember she’s madly in love.  
—Ugh. Damn snitch. Alright, yes, they hurt, but I’m fine. I have hiden it, wich means I can bear it.  
Garrus is unsure wether to laugh or to cry at such an excuse.  
—Would you even tell me if you can’t?  
—I would!  
—I doubt it.  
Both her hands surround his face now. Her hazel eyes…  
—I will. I will, alright? Stop acting like the concerned father you’re going to be.  
Now it’s Garrus’ time to laugh, but that doesn’t take his worry off. Shepard can read that much on his face, so she starts to laugh too.  
—The face you’re making really makes me regain my trust on this, you know.  
—Whenever I remember it my heart skips a beat. I’m not sure I’m gonna be reliable any time soon.  
She finally stops resisting the urge to kiss him, slowly, warmly. The way he answers to it makes Shepard’s heart skip a beat too.  
—Start trying better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long, I'll be having a busy summer, so updates may take more than a week. Sorry guys, hope yoyu enjoyed it (this one included a very specific, little scene I'm very fond of, you know which one 💔).


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to accept that there are risks worth taking.

That oceanic blue feels almost intimidating when she approaches the exit of the ship.  
Joker stands with the team in the runway. Seeing him makes Shepard chuckle.  
—What, Joker? Saying your goodbyes?  
—There’s actually a part of me that fears you’ll finally retire when you see again your home planet. This monochromatic planet must looks really suitable for raising a family, what do you think, Garrus? —he simply snorts. Joker loses gradually his smile when she turns back to her. —We can wait for you, Commander.  
—You can’t. Miranda and Jacob can be in danger.  
Liara steps in the conversation.  
—We can wait to come here.  
—What’s the point? This is guarded by the Alliance! If there is a place the Alliance won’t allow another disaster to happen, that’s Mindoir. It’s a symbol. It’s safe. The safest. Now go.  
Damn, she is reassuring. Joker shrugs and no one else adds anything. The squad follows her without hesitation and the Normandy closes her gates. The ship flies away smoothly.  
The biggest city in Mindoir is Athena, who acts as its capital. There are not many cities in Mindoir, but there were even fewer when she was a child. Athena didn’t exist. The old capital, destroyed by the batarians, stood very close and was called Pallas, another title of the same Greek goddess. It is a means of representing the rebuilding of Mindoir while preserving the memory of the disaster, Shepard knows that much, but… But it also means constantly remembering Pallas whenever you hear the name _Athena_ , if you were lucky enough to survive it.  
—Alright, we’ll take a shuttle to the Alliance post to identify us and see if they have something to tell us about Cerberus before heading to Pallas. —Shepard commands the shuttle to the IV as she speaks, and only when she has finished she remembers they don’t know anything about the planet. —Pallas was the capital before the attack. It’s a memorial site now, as far as I know.  
Her eyes lay a little too much on everything, thinking, quiet. It’s subtle, but it’s there: a silent pain, not entirely forgotten. Damn, it must hurt as hell, this whole story of murder and trauma that has been her life.  
—Shepard, if you need a break, let us know, okay?  
—James, you’ll have to think a better way for me to let you carry me in your arms.  
He snorts. Garrus laughs despite himself.  
—I mean _emotional_ break. These things can be tough.  
Shepard makes the shuttle turn a little too harsh in hopes James is too busy holding to something to argue anymore. Kaidan’s grunt make her smile.  
—Wait at least until we get to Pallas to worry. I don’t feel like arguing yet.  
—Deal.  
Luckily, the Alliance post is not too far from the landing area. James and Kaidan rush outside dramatically.  
—If you were a head taller you’d be too used to your head bumping into every other species’ things for that lame tactic to work out. —laughs Garrus. Shepard is already introducing herself to the woman guarding the entrance.  
She leads them to the officer in command, a blonde with a firm smile Shepard feels familiar. She stretches everyone’s hand and is kind enough not to ask why they’re four, and not three. Spectre thing, she probably supposes.  
—It’s an honour to meet you, Commander Shepard. They’re not telling much, but everyone agrees we owe our entire survival to you. We don’t even know any details about what had happened to you, except that you were alive somewhere. Somehow.  
—It would be nice for the Commander if news about her condition remained scarce, Officer Rilme.  
Whenever Garrus speaks about her, he wonders how much is known about them. How much his own voice betrays. It’s not like dating someone such as Shepard could go unnoticed long, and specially an inter–species relationship, but this can’t be used by anyone else against them. This is too precious. It should stay between them.  
Garrus’ voice is soft, no trace of threaten in it, yet Rilme gets it easily.  
—I agree. Don’t worry. No one will know you were even here. —she promises, calmly. —What do you need me for?  
—We are looking for any activity from Cerberus. Our sources think they may be related to Mindoir. —Kaidan crosses his arms over his chest without noticing. —Can you think about anything related to them?  
—In Mindoir? Back when the collectors threatened us, they used the batarian incident here to gather some support. Many were scared enough to be convinced, Cerberus never was larger than back then. But, after the war and the death of the Illusive Man, no, we have no news about them. The Alliance officially states it’s an agonising organisation.  
—I wish I could be as optimistic as them. —James snorts.  
—And no special news about Pallas? —insists Shepard. Rilme blinks.  
—No, except that the tourists rate has greatly decreased. I suppose it’s normal, considering the war, but something tells me the rate won’t increase. Now the whole galaxy has a disaster of its own. I hope I’m wrong, tourism was a great income for the planet.  
—Paradisiac oceans and a catastrophe. What more could you ask for? —mutters Shepard, gazing at the Alliance propaganda over the walls.  
—I like to think people like to remember what happened, rather than enjoying some sadistic perversion, but sometimes... —she sighs briefly. —Anyway, the site is closed since the war. We’re rebuilding Athena with its fundings, we’ll reopen it later, probably next year.  
—So any strange activity in Pallas would go unnoticed now better than in any other time.  
Rilme stares at her reflexively.  
—If anything Cerberus does can ever go unnoticed, yes.  
—Do you authorise us to exploring it by ourselves, then? —asks Garrus. Rilme blinks surprised.  
—Do you intend to check the whole city for a hideous organisation?  
—We accept any better suggestions —James snorts when she smiles apologetically.  
—Sorry. You”re right. Of course you have my authorisation. I’ll grant you a map of the site, including the closed areas and I’ll look for the key to open them. I’ll look for them, wait here. Make yourselves comfortables, it might take a while.  
—I thought we were desperate, I really did, you know, but she convinced me. —James takes a seat. Garrus stretches Shepard’s shoulder discreetly before joining him in the couch.  
—Yes, she didn’t help improve our mood, uh. She had the best intention. —Shepard sighs deeply.  
Everyone’s omni–tools light up and the vision of the map makes everyone fall silent for a second.  
—It’s huge, Commander —says James unconvinced. Turns out Shepard has no conviction left to raise the spirit.  
—Yes. It is huge. Pallas was big for collony standars, it still is and we cannot discard the destroyed areas. —she tilts her head. —I agree. We cannot do it.  
—I didn’t say that.  
—We can try —the fierceness on Garrus’ voice makes her smile sadly.  
—Well, we better have something to busy ourselves while we wait for the Normandy, don’t we.  
She sounds so immensely tired. Maybe that is what finally makes the silent Kaidan step in.  
—There is someone I could ask for help.  
—Be our guest! —six eyes turn to James and he doesn’t even blink. —Well, we _need_ help.  
—I agree. If you go without any direction, you won’t find anything. —says Garrus. Something is clearly disturbing Kaidan, so Shepard doesn't hesitate to speak firmly.  
—We could use the help, Kaidan, but we don't _need_ it. We'll manage. We always do. It's okay.  
A look at Shepard is all that takes for Kaidan to step away, his omni–tool already on. Garrus approaches Shep.  
—Will you ever stop putting anything before yourself? —he sighs, his hand playing with hers. She smiles back.  
Some minutes later, Kaidan is back with a confident smile.  
—Alright, he agreed to meet us here, in Athena. He said he’ll be here in some minutes. He’s around the area. He has been working here.  
—And what’s his name? —says Shepard, amused. Kaidan is almost shocked at how much he has spoken about him without giving his name.  
—Magnus. Pastor. He’s an Alliance Commander too.  
——It’s rude to talk about people not present, Alenko.  
Kaidan turns with an exhasperated sigh. Pastor laughs it off as he walks in: he’s tall, big, and calm, despite the mocking smile that doesn’t leave his lips.  
—Hello, almighty Shepard. —Pastor stretches her hand and, for some reason, Shepard snorts.  
—Commander, uh, Pastor? I’m sorry, Commander. I haven’t kept track of new people.  
No one beside those two understands that conversarion at all, but it’s not like they seem to care. Pastor laughs.  
—New people my ass, Shepard. I’m only six months younger than you.  
—It took you some more years than me to get the grade, uh. Even if you don’t look any younger than me.  
—Have you checked yourself in a mirror lately? You look so bad. I’ll say you look like you saved us all from a war, even.  
—Well, then I’m sorry for not checking on you lately. Who could have thought you’d be promoted?  
—I imagine saving the world kept you busy. I didn’t knew you could be so humble, Shepard. Remembering the mundane mortals you knew and that stuff.  
—I can, but I usually have a Council to fight.  
Shepard finally releases Pastor’s hand to find Kaidan agape. She bursts into laughter.  
—You knew each other? —Kaidan still is able to speak, good, Shepard was thinking they had definitely broke him.  
—We enrolled at the same time. We graduated together and we got our first promotion at the samd time.  
—Two orphans saved by the Alliance, who enrolled the day of their 18th birthdays, competitive as hell. —Pastor is laughing too. —Of course we knew.  
—You never told me! —protests Kaidan. Pastor makes an effort to go serious, or at least to look like it.  
—Do you remember how it took you five months to confess you still worked for her?  
Kaidan is still agape and doesn’t look like he’ll recover anytime soon.  
—I feared you had approached me only for that. —he answers. Pastor laughs again, this time more kindly.  
—Yeah, well, I was taking some revenge. I never thought you’d try to introduce me to her.  
—You should have confessed when you started hearing my name through the Citadel’s speakers. —she points out, just to help Kaidan a bit. Pastor chuckles.  
—How could I know that scared brat would get this far?  
Now it’s her turn to chuckle.  
—Just for you to know, I didn’t know myself.  
—Better for you.  
—You don’t say.  
—I only have some minutes, but... But. —he loses the track of his words for a second when his eyes meet Kaidan’s, but he recovers fast enough. —What can I do for you?  
—You’ve been researching Cerberus, haven’t you? —Kaidan is still staring at him a bit too much, but Pastor answers normally. Oh, how much he can hate that natural resolve sometimes.  
—Yeah, their new start. We thought they would dissolve after the death of the Illusive Man, we were wrong, we have to find out why. I am undercover. With disappointingly few results for now. They’re improving their security.  
—We just found their new target. —Garrus says bitterly. Shepard gives Pastor a warm smile when her entire squad stares at her with worried eyes. —We have to stop them before they get any stronger.  
—For what I’ve heard, you’re experts in kicking their asses.  
—We have to know in which shadows they lurk in order to do that. —points James.  
—And they hide better now, for the looks of it.  
Garrus looks at Shepard for a split second. He was thinking about the pregnancy, the baby, but all he can thinks of when his eyes meet her calm gaze are Chakwas’ words. “Your heart beating rate suggests the implants still hurt you”. He wonders for how long. Are they improving? Is it getting worse?  
—We have... not much time. —he adds loud and clear. —We need some help in this search.  
—If you can, help us. —says Kaidan, his eyes looking straight into Pastor’s.  
He stares back at him. Kaidan knows what he just asked for. He wants him to compromise his whole mission for a minimal chance.  
—Alright. —he says, slowly, with no hesitation. —I’ll see what I can do.  
—Seriously? —Kaidan raises his eyebrows. He is sincerely surprised. That easily? As an answer, Pastor smiles and hugs him.  
—Yup. I’ll do what I can, no promises. I’ll give you a call as soon as I have something, stay close to Athena if you can, it won’t take long.  
Pastor stretches everyone’s hand and leaves. Kaidan stays there, startled, before Shepard punches his shoulder.  
—You asked for a favour and it worked, Kaidan, don’t look so surprised. Let’s book in some hotel to stay the night.  
Speechless, Kaidan follows her. They sign their exit, they take back their weapons, they get in the cold, humid air outside, and Kaidan doesn’t react during that whole time. Shepard walks at his peace.  
—Everything alright? —she asks, straightforward. Kaidan nods hesitantly.  
—I just didn’t think he’d agree so easily to compromise an entire Alliance priority operation for us. I mean, for me, since we barely told him anything about your condition. He just… accepted to risk everything without explanation. I’m surprised.  
Shepard stares at her as they keep walking. Finally, she identifies what she finds so bizarre. She frowns.  
—Whoa, Kaidan.  
Oh, that voice. Kaidan turns to her in a huge effort to come back to earth because he has a sudden, bad feeling.  
—Whoa what?  
—Those eyes. Those tortured eyes. What’s worrying you that much?  
Kaidan snorts, but that would never be enough to fool her. She won’t let him escape the topic, but that doesn’t stop him from trying.  
—Besides you being a non–stop asshole that keeps getting herself in danger?  
—Yes, because I’ve been like that since we first met and you hadn’t those puppy ey... —oh. Her eyes wide open. —Wait. Is there something between Pastor and you I’ve been missing?  
—No!  
Oh, that kind of “no” that sounds like a “bingo, you hit the spot”. Shepard starts to laugh and a blushing Kaidan desperately thinks about how to change the topic.  
—Shepard, there is nothing between us. If you don’t believe me, you’re free to ask him straight.  
—I won’t get a straight answer.  
That joke makes herself laugh really hard and Kaidan blushes even harder. He rubs his own face, as embarrassed as annoyed.  
—Sometimes I wish you had stayed dead, you know.  
—When, the first or the second time?  
—Both. The more, the better.  
Shepard smiles kindly, not bothered at all by his grunts.  
—Alright, you start telling me about you two or I’ll tell Garrus right away what I know and I may have to make up what I don’t.  
—You don’t know anything!  
—Nice, so you get what I mean.  
Kaidan snorts. He had missed that pain in his ass a lot.  
—He was promoted to Commander at the same time as you. We worked together several times while you were... well, dead. We became friends, close friends, even, but... I hadn’t even considered I could... like him at all. And then, one day, he stopped visiting me in the hospital. I was discharged short after and I checked on him. He had been injured in a battle and before I realized I was trying to prevent being the jerk I was with you. Thinking clearly about my feelings. And, well…  
—So you realized you like him. —she sums up, and now Kaidan blushes so much she fears he’s actually having a stroke for a moment.  
—No! I–I mean... I’m not sure myself.  
—Uncertitude is easily mistaken with fear.  
Her kindest voice stops Kaidan for denying it any longer. He just takes a really deep breath.  
—Besides, I don’t know if he... can like me at all, or... Crap —he curses as he presses his head against his own hands for a second. Shepard tries to comfort him patting his back. —I h a t e you.  
—You’re still awfully slow, Alenko. Come on! Jump! Take the risk! That’s how you end up winning.  
—Sometimes you end up winning.  
—Hey, don’t say that like trying to throw any hint to a naïve turian had high chances of working out.  
Kaidan bursts into laughter despite himself. When he recovers and sees Shepard’s wide smile, he still snorts.  
—Yeah, well, I guess it’s hard to have it worse than that.  
Shepard turns instantly as she yells.  
—Alright! We’re goint back, guys!  
Garrus doesn’t even make any question. James raises an eyebrow. Kaidan panics.  
—Why?  
—Wait, now?!  
She walks back without paying attention. As soon as Kaidan reaches her, she whispers to him.  
—If you plan to jump from now to the next three months, there’s no use. That’s not a jump. Yes, you do it now. At least walk in thinking of doing it. If not, well, make sure you set a date for your next try.  
While the squad is back signing the papers, Shepard sends a message to Pastor. A discreet “we’d like to discuss something else, if you are still nearby, please come back, IMPORTANT”.  
Five minutes later, they’re back to the same comfortable room hidden from outside views. It doesn’t take Pastor more than a minute to be back.  
—Everything alright, Shepard? —he asks, alert. She nods as Kaidan takes a step towards him.  
There could be no next time. He thought he had run out of time when he was hospitalized, he thought he had lost all his chances with Shepard, time after time. Every trip can be the last one. This has to be done. So he takes a deep breath.  
—Hey. Magnus. I... —he starts, his eyes on the floor. He tilts his head —This is certainly not how I was planning on doing this, but...  
—You weren’t planning on it at all —remarks Shepard before clearing her throat and pushing the others out of the room. —Okay, we’ll leave you alone.  
Following them with his eyes, Pastor crosses his arms over his chest, not pissed, but amused.  
—Something wrong, Kaidan?  
—Can you believe that person managed to get this far without being shot? —he grunts. Pastor’s soft laugh makes him forget his anxiety. A little.  
This is it. Kaidan raises his eyes and, to his own surprise, he doesn’t step back. He does know what to say. More or less.  
—Well, I just talked to Shepard, and she made me realize... some things. You know, a couple months ago, when you were hurt that bad, I thought I’d never get to see you again. And I found myself really hurt at the thought. I mean, you’re my friend, of course I was hurt, but there was more to it. Not only... I mean, I’d be hurt if I lost any friend, but with you, the feeling was special. Not like I don’t love my friends, but it was... different. Later, during the war... When we could barely see each other face to face, only in video calls. I found myself thinking about you. Often. And I realized I wanted to... ask you. Like, out. I mean, to go somewhere. With me. Alone. L–like in some date. I don’t know. If you’d like.  
Pastor looks so startled Kaidan has time to clear his throat and even tries to switch the weight of his body from one foot to the other before trying to destroy this awfull silence.  
—If you don’t... I mean, we’re friends, it’s okay, I... I don’t want to fuck this up. Not at all. It doesn’t matter. Forget that I said–  
—Can you give me two seconds to try to process all that mumbling, Kaidan?  
Pastor has raised his arms, an unconscious gesture begging him to stop. He finally chuckles, his eyes still startled. His smile often makes Kaidan smile as well, as is happening now despite the awful knot on his throat.  
—Magnus...  
—You see, it was not easy at all to understand anything in all that.  
—Don’t make me repeat myself. —Kaidan can feel himself blushing again, so he takes his eyes off him, so suddenly two feet get in his field vision.  
Kaidan raises his eyes.  
—I thought I heard “date”?  
Pastor’s arms are back over his chest, but his eyes are close, really close, and he has a mocking smile Kaidan really likes.  
—I thought you were straight. —he adds. Kaidan finally bursts into laughter.  
—I hate you too —he mutters before regaining some of his pride to face him. —So did I.  
—You had already convinced me to help you, you know. You don’t need to offer any reward.  
—Glad to hear, because I’m thinking about taking back my offer.  
Pastor holds his chin and loses in his dark eyes before kissing him. Whoa, thinks Kaidan during the last second any though manages to survive in his excited brain. Whoa, and there he was, thinking he was straight, uh.  
Only when they separate Kaidan realizes his hand has somehow gotten into Magnus’ hair, where it is busy rubbimg it by itself. Well, Magnus’ right hands are holding his face, so maybe it’s alright after all. Magnus chuckles.  
—Did I convince you? About not being as straight as you thought.  
Kaidan snorts, almost pissed. Almost.  
—Don’t know. Why don’t you give it another try?  
And so he does, gladly.

* * *

Shepard falls on the comfy bed.  
It is not often that they have the chance to sleep out of the Normandy or other military installations. No, this time she refused, mostly because in a militar facility she could never go unnoticed.  
A hand on her back makes her realice she had just fallen sleep for some seconds. She wans as Garrus lays next to her.  
—Why didn’t you book a room for Kaidan? —he asks, genuily curious, which makes her laugh a little too hard.  
—We left him with Pastor and they had things to discuss.  
—Still, they won’t spend the night discussing.  
—No, I think they should have already started the flexibility studies by now.  
Her quick response confounds him for a split second before a long “oooh” of realization finally reaches his mouth, which, of course, gives Shep a fit of laughter*.  
—Will I have to hear that story in the mouth of our grandchildren? Because I may reconsider all this. —he grunts, but he doesn’t even blink when Shepard rolls towards him and kisses his chin.  
The kisses escalate* softly until Shepard even forgets where they are and, then, a sudden hit inside of her lungs makes her gasp.  
—Lil? —the voice sounds distant because of her owns moans. She has to sit in order to calm her breathing and the pain, that starts to decrease slowly, desperately slowly.  
—Fucking… Ugh. I would love to hear our grandchildren telling that story, but I’m starting to seriously doubt I’ll live that long —she grumbles, so pissed she would love to yell. Only a second later she realizes who is more scared between the two of them. She stretches his hand and smiles reassuringly. —Don’t worry, I’m better off now.  
—You don’t have to keep talking. It’s okay —he mutters. He comes closer and hugs her, determined to stay like this until the last pinch of pain of her voice fades. She closes her eyes. It feels so nice to allow herself to be comforted from time to time she’s worried she”d get too used to it.  
—Maybe I’m being too risky.  
Her voice is distorted by his own body, but Garrus doesn’t hear anymore that notes of intense pain. It makes him sigh.  
—Maybe there’s no point in going along with all this. We don't know how to fix minor bugs of the implants. How will it be like as I more time passes? Maybe there is no point on trying all this. —she realizes her free hand is resting unconsciounsly on her belly. A lump blocks her throat. —Will I be capable to raise them?  
It's the first time she doesn't use the 'it' pronoun. Garrus notices without a word.  
—You fear you won't grow old.  
—Yeah. Of course I do. I don’t want to do this and be uncapable of taking care of them.  
—Don’t give up yet.  
He releases her the minimum to stare at her eyes.  
—Don’t say that. Do you want it? Let’s go for it. —the hesitation of his voice doesn’t last even a second. —I would love it too.  
Shep stares at him, blank.  
—What about the part of depicting this as the end of my life?  
—Chakwas swears the baby won’t risk your life any more, the implants would work as bad with or without them, so… So. —he ends, his eyes still fixed. —Our call.  
—As normal parents, can you believe it?  
—Not at all.  
Their hands are still intertwined when they finally go back to the point they had left it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand here it is! the Kaidan x Male Shepard relationship I promised.  
> The trick is I didn't want to change the canon games story, so I couldn't create a twin for my Shepard out of nowhere, you know. Pastor is my solution (the naming is quite simple: Shepard is similar to Sepherd and Sepherd means "pastor" in Spanish... ). Think about him as the Shepard of the Universe where someone else got all their bad luck. That is, for now. Hope you like it!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to speed up. Time is running out.

Kaidan is already waiting for them by the time they get to the military shuttle Rilme has prepared. He should be nervous about all the mocking he’s about to face, but he doesn’t look like it. He seems relaxed.

—How was it, Kaidan? Taking a liking to spending nights out? —well, James does try to make fun, sure, but it’s not as effective if he smiles kindly at him at the same time. Kaidan blushes all the same. Garrus snorts. Shepard, on the other hand, smiles warmly at him. She is even capable of not teasing him either. Now it’s obvious how untrained she is to the field work, he guesses.

—I’m glad you realized, Kaidan. You look happy.

That kind of smile that can make you regain all hope when everything is lost. Magnus has it too, but hers is the original, the one that has saved him more times.

—I am.

Shepard’s smile widens before she turns to the rest of them.

—Alright. Earlier, Pastor sent me the coordinates to a point in Pallas. I don’t know what it is and he didn’t say anything else not to compromise his position, so we have to go there and see what is there to greet us. Everyone ready?

—Whenever you are, Commander. —Garrus says, so they go into the shuttle and head to Pallas.

 

This part of the city seems asleep.

The most damaged parts of Pallas were destroyed to become the giant memorial and museum that must commemorate the catastrophe. Others were reused to build Athena, which is perfectly fine for Shepard: keeping the empty skeletons of old buildings would not help anyone. The only issue for her is _this_ part of the city, the core and the main avenue, where the traces of destruction are partly restored. The area to the right is reconstructed as it was before the attack: a flourishing city in the most peaceful era of humanity, after the First Contact War, before any other race decided humans were a plague spreading too fast. The area to the left from the main avenue is preserved as the attack left it. Only bodies and traces of blood have been removed. The buildings, the weapons, the furnishing, the broken doors have been left as the day of the attack. It makes it look like a silent monster, a lethal disease, is slowly spreading from one half of Pallas tl the other, still surviving. But, at least, _that_ area doesn’t look like you could knock on a door and the inhabitants will quickly answer you, as if, as said, the city was merely dormant. It looks like you could call the door, smell today’s lunch, pay a visit to the friends you used to play along in the top of the highest trees, remember the name of that pet that cuddled* against you every night in bed. The area to the right does.

Which is, of course, much more painful.

Shepard keeps walking, her eyes focused on the path in front of her, straight across the main avenue. The behavior is that of someone too afraid of heights to stop in the middle of the bridge because they won’t be able to keep walking otherwise, but the team is struggling with the oppressive feeling by themselves to notice. They are not used to abandoned cities. Probably no one is. It reminds of Eden Prime, but Kaidan is careful not to mention it.

They left the shuttle three kilometres ago; the site has bollards every now and then to prevent any traffic, and the road for authorised vehicles has not been restored yet after the war. The path is not long, there are birds singing, trees have grown where the buildings were destroyed. This street is merely an illusion of an entire city, but it plays its role perfectly. Shepard stops all of a sudden.

She stares at a secondary street to the left, a pedestrian one. For a long minute, she doesn’t speak. She doesn’t answer to the squad’s questions simply because she is unable to hear them at all. The street is quite well preserved. If she turn to the left, she would find the ruins because she was there when the batarians set fire to the house. She remembers it clearly. Yet her feet are begging her to go there, to find her house still intact, to find her family still there, greeting her with a smile. It seems possible now. Maybe it has all been a joke. A very bad one.

She feels a familiar, three–fingered hand in her back, unusually brave to touch her like that in front of the others. She glances at the only family she has now. She wishes to explain. _My house was here_. The words die in the tip of her tongue, asphyxiated. Instead, other words leave her mouth.

—James?

—Yeah?

—Remember what you said yesterday?

She doesn’t turn around and James doesn’t step forward. He just answers, his voice even softer.

—Yeah.

—Now I need that break.

Without another word, she turns and walks away. Away from them too: she enters the first street on the right, the restored area, trying to ignore a sign that reads “VISIT TO THE RESTAURATION CONTINUES THIS WAY”, as if it was all the city was, an attraction. No, not “as if”. It is all it is.

Her feet still know their way. There is the plaza. She walks straight to the big fountain in the centre of the opening, now off because there should be no visitors. She can see half of the plaza from there, so she sits in its wall, as she used to. Kids often played here, so did she. Her little sister twisted her ankle in the whole of an ancient willow she loved that is now artificial. It still hurt her the rainy days, as the day she died.

—Don’t do that.

Shepard is lost in her memories and it takes her a few seconds to hear Garrus’ words. He sits next to her, so she lays her head on his shoulder.

—Do what?

—Keep everything to yourself. Speaking about it won’t make it any more real. It will help.

—I’m oversensitive. I’m pregnant, and hurt, and emotionally and physically exhausted, and pursued again.

He laughs softly.

—I know, Lil. I’m having this nightmare with you.

—Don’t ask me to talk about it. —she shakes her head weakly. —It’s okay, I’ll get over it.

—What does it have to do with anything? —he sighs. —It will relieve you now. You’ll be alright in some days. Now you’re feeling bad.

—Worse than my usual self. —she points, much to his exasperation.

—And so? You’ll be back to it. Now you’re not.

Maybe. Maybe, but she’s afraid she would start speaking and never stop. The flood of memories seems unstoppable now that she’s in the middle of it. She wasn’t aware she had kept so many of them. Garrus takes her waist and starts to do something with her omni–tool. She realizes she is staring at the tree.

—I loved that willow.

—The… weeping willow. —he says, hesitantly.

He has turn off their omni–tools. That means no translator. That means he’s making the huge effort that takes him to speak her tongue. At least he’s not trying to speak _turian_ , in which Shepard is _even_ sloppier than Garrus with hers. She burst into laughter, oh, she adores that weird accent of a throat that was not built to produce that kind of sounds. They have been trying to learn each other’s tongue for a while now, but their languages are so different in every single aspect that it’s taking ages. But they are improving. One day, they will be able to even properly communicate without devices. It’s just that that day seems too far away now.

—Yes. —she nods. —The weeping willow.

—Why love… uh, it?

Shepard has a silly smile, but the question makes her wonder. She closes her eyes. She can remember going to the nearby forests, so green, with such a smell, the wet ground, the drops of cold water in the leaves. She always remembers those forests of weeping willows, the touch of their branches in her face. How much she had laughed among them.

—Childhood memories. Childhood? —she repeats when she notices his blank stare, but Garrus shakes his head. She points at her own belly. —Child.

—Oh! _Sic_ , um, yes.

—My little sister, Ade, she was playing with my friends one day. I hid behind the trunk —she tries to explain with gestures as she speaks. Garrus nods, focused on the words, a little smile all over his face. —When she turn her back to me, I step out and yelled. She panicked and, when she tried to run away, she twister her ankle. It kept hurting her forever on rainy days. I was so proud of my scare that it took her years to confess she had panicked for a spider I had in my hair. She already knew what I planned.

Maybe Garrus is more skilled than she thought, because he burst into honest laughter as soon as she does her last gesture. He shakes his head.

—You always liar? —he frowns when she starts to laugh.

—Garrus, think again what you’re saying —she turns on her omni–tool, a mocking smile resisting to fade. With a frustrated sigh, so does he.

—So you’ve always been a bad liar? —he repeats, obviously relieved. 

—Looks like it. I like to think I’m not that obvious now.

—Let’s say you aren’t, but don’t try to prove it. —Garrus laughs a bit more.

They are sitting face to face, no longer lying against each other. Otherwise, Shepard couldn’t have gesticulated to explain herself. This position allows her to stare at him in silence for a while.

—What? —he calls softly. Oh. She blinks to return to the real world, a tender smile on her lips.

—You always come after me.

—Of course I do. I always will. —and, as usual, the charm breaks under the weight of his insecurities. —…Unless I feel you’d be better off without me. For a while, that is. I hope.

Shepard kneels on the wall to be able to reach his lips.

—Thank you. Always do it.

Garrus returns her kiss, relieved.

—I will.

—Now! —she jumps off the wall with a groan and a shiver. The injuries. The implants. God, so many things to be aware of are starting to kill her patience. —Auch. Now! Let’s keep going.

She starts walking, but Garrus touches softly her arm.

—Lil, let me say it one last time. —he asks, in a mood between the amusement and the concern.

Shepard turns to him theatrically. He lays against the half*wall of the fountain. They can’t help to smile at each other’s scepticism.

—May I?

—Yes, please. Proceed.

—You _can_ go back. You don’t _have_ to do this.

—No, I don’t, but I can. —she replies with her usual resolve. That amused smile makes Garrus’ own smile grow against his will.

—You are going to tell me if they hurt you. —he hates to admit this aloud—: I mean, more.

—I am.

—Even if you think it’s bearable or that it’s not important or that you’ll be annoying us. You _have to_ tell me.

—I do.

Garrus steps away from the fountain with a sigh.

—Are we over? —he overtakes her faking annoyance. She runs to catch up with him with a laugh.

—We are. You better do as you promised. Please.

—Garrus, don’t make such a worried face. I’m fine! I’ll be honest! —she whines. He shakes his head.

—You never tell these things.

—You never make me promise I will. —with that, she quickly kisses his cheek before turning around the corner, where Kaidan and James are waiting.

—Everything alright? —he asks. Shepard nods while pointing ahead.

—Yup. Now. Pastor’s point is merely a kilometre from here. Let’s go, guys.

They keep moving forward. This time, the three of them pay attention to her movements, but now Shepard does look better. She moves with more confidence, she doesn’t stare at every building in disbelief, like if she wondered how could it dare to stand still. James gives Garrus a nudge.

—I don’t know what you two did all that time alone, but it worked.

Garrus stares at him blankly. Kaidan snorts.

—We talked. What else did you want us to do? —two seconds later he realizes he shouldn’t have chosen those words, he shouldn’t have at all. Kaidan and Jacob snort.

—Drop the matter, Garrus. It’ll be safer for you —they hear Shepard’s voice from ahead, amused.

—Come on, don’t tell me I’m missing another human joke. —he grunts. —I miss Liara. She misses things so obvious you don’t notice me.

Shepard stands in the precise point of the coordinates Pastor gave her. For a moment, she just stands, looking around her.

—“The Museum will open again ~~in~~ SOON” —James reads aloud and nods, as if the message was perfectly coherent and satisfying. —Oh, yeah, guys, soon we will be able to do the complete tour!

No one is actually listening to him. Kaidan presses his forehead against the glass of the huge door to the building to see inside.

—Well, it is a mess inside. But certainly it doesn’t look like a paramilitary facility.

—You have to build a proper hall, Kaidan, you know, to greet people.

—True enough. The hidden paramilitary facility could be behind this fancy hall.

Garrus is taking a look around, but there is no use. The forest has grown surrounding what is left of Pallas, engulfing its ruins. It is easy to hide a facility in a forest, but it’s not so easy to gather supplies or have spaceships landing. If it’s any near Pallas, it has to be hidden by some other means.

—Well, Magnus gave them to us for a reason. —Kaidan reasons with confidence. —We have to learn why.

—Maybe they were nothing more than a vague indication. Just in case they find about it, you know. —James points, but Kaidan shakes his head.

—He was already risking a lot. The sooner we finish here, the better for him. I don’t think so.

Shepard hasn’t talked for a while. When Garrus turns around to look for her, she’s nowhere to be found.

—Guys, do you know where our risky Commander is, by a chance? —he asks. A giggle reveals her position.

—I’m not any near to evaporating, dear. I’m here.

They follow the direction of her voice to find her laying on the floor, her flashlight on, studying the side of the stairs to the entrance in the grass.

—Next time you decide to lay on the ground instead of falling on it, please warn me first. —complains Garrus. —My heart just froze for a sec there.

—Sorry. Come see this.

She kneels to allow them to see the object of her study: a grille in the middle of the grass, part of the small, circular gardens that frame the stairs.

—This is… a sewer?

—Why putting it in the middle of the grass and letting it block it, instead of just trusting the inclination of the ground to let the flood of water go down? —she questions.

Four pair of eyes turn to the sewer again.

—Our way in?

—This doesn’t look like the entrance to a military complex. —points James. Garrus shrugs.

—May be a hidden passage or an emergency exit.

—Shall we?

* * *

—Why the hell is it taking so long.

She makes a conscious effort to keep her gaze at the cards in her hand.

—I don’t know.

Jacob sighs again.

—Maybe they won’t come back. Because they cannot, I mean.

Miranda glares at him, and that makes him clear his throat.

—Sorry. I’m just frustrated.

—You’re not the only one.

—Alright, I know you’re seriously worried about her...

That only makes things worse. Miranda throws her cards over the maze and stands. She doesn’t blink when her movement throws all the cards to the floor, thus ending the game.

—Go to hell, Jacob.

—Whoa, whoa, I wasn’t implying...

Miranda doesn’t leave, all enraged as she is. She waits for him to finish. Jacob shakes his head. Any mention to Miranda’s feelings tends to have this result. He knows this from lon ago, especially when she feels unsecure about them.

—Sorry. It’s private business.

—It is.

The silence fills the room. Just to do something to break it, Jacob starts to collect the cards. Miranda sighs and helps him.

—I wasn’t talking about Shepard. —she mutters. Jacob looks at her, but she is avoiding his gaze.

—Oh.

—I am frustrated too, Jacob.

—Yeah, yeah, of course you are. It’s just that you always seem so... cool I forget sometimes.

She hisses. That makes Jacob remember her wound, so he sighs.

—Miranda, sit down, rest a little. I can handle this.

—I’m not incapacitated.

—You’re starting to sound like her.

She laughs. And she sits down. Looks like he’s recovering his “dealing with Miranda” skills.

Then, a bell rings. A mechanic voice comes through the speakers.

<<SSV Alliance spaceship SR–2 landing in: five minutes>>.

The _Alliance_ spaceship part makes them both jump.

—SR–2! —repeats Jacob. Miranda stumbles over the table. She curses.

—Come on. We gotta get ready.

Miranda took her weapon and fastened the belt. She hissed again, much to her exasperation.

—Look at me like that and I’ll kick you, Jacob, I swear I will.

—Then we should get to the Normany as fast as we can so Shepard can stop you.

—Yeah, we better —she smiles despite the pain and follows him.

The spaceship approaches with its characteristic elegance. Jacob snorts.

—Who is Joker trying to impress?

—Us? You? Me?

—Probably you. You’re scarier.

That makes her snort.

—I’ll make all of them remember that part as soon as they open that fucking gate.

And the gate opened. Jack, Samara, Liara and Tali were already prepared at the entrance, their weapons ready.

\--Guys! So. You… alright? --Tali lowered her gun, confused. Jacob waved at her.

\--It’s taken you ages guys!

\--Wait, wait, and then what was all that urge for? --protests Jack, agape. Miranda hisses again when Jacob’s shoulder touched hers.

\--I’m fine, I’m fine --she mutters. The rest of the crew, their weapons lowered, gets off the ship. Jack is the first one to get to them. She snorts.

—Miranda. What happened to you? I didn’t think you could bleed. It requires to be human.

Now it’s Miranda’s time to snort. She gasps before being able to answer.

—Jack, now I can’t really put up with your… childishness.

—We have news. —Jacob points at the Normandy. —That’s what the urge was for. Let’s go.

Miranda follows his gesture just to freeze.

—Wait. Where’s Shepard?

Liara whispered, as she had been doing for the last days, unconsciously.

—She went ahead. To the colony. We split the team.

And, with the faces both Jacob and Miranda make, the Normandy in her entirety finally realizes this was a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, people! sorry the update took so long, in Spain we have looong summer holidays, which mean travel, vacations, busy stuff. So! I plan to go back to regular, weekly updates. Stay tunned! Have a good summer too!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> This is part of a story I'm currently working on. I don't expect major changes, but life happens, so be ready for anything (I'll properly warn you if it happens)  
> I don't feel really confident about the plot, but perhaps someone would like it, so here I am sharing!  
> As you may have noticed, I'm not a native English speaker, so there may be bizarre idioms or phrasing I apologize for. Comments are kudos are ALWAYS welcomed to keep me motivated 🌱
> 
> * * *
> 
>  _EDIT:_  
>  I forgot two important clarifications:  
> 1) It's been like ¿three? years since I first (and last) played the trilogy. I try to check the wikia, but my memory is not the best, so if you see anything contradictory in here... it's because of that. I intend to replay them soon, but I'm always busy and my heart is always too weak. Ya know what I mean.  
> 2) When I played ME, DLCs weren't affordable (thank you EA for always improving videogame industry). I only played the extended end (as you'd have realized by now) and the Prothean DLC, but NOT Citadel or Leviathan. [Dishonor on my cow](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/645/684/7f1.gif), I know, I intend to fix that too, but... busy girl.  
> So: I couldn't wait to do all this before writing the fic, inspiration doesn't last long. Sorry for the inconvenience, no spoilers in the comms, please.  
> Thank you!


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